Baby Cousin / AINSLEY

[Sebastian Nott]

Baby cousin,

Just learned from mum you're going into fifth year! I thought you were like thirteen, man, the fuck did you grow up? Well, good luck in your OWLs - let's see if any of my cousins can beat me - and don't do anything I wouldn't do now you're fifteen!

Anyways, me and Rose - Chloe's friend and my future wife - are throwing a surprise party for Chloe in a week or so to cheer Chlo up and we need more helpers. Fancy getting Reagan and helping us set up on the day? By the way, you can't say no because I'm your favourite cousin. Just saying.

Seb.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Hey Sebastian,

Yeah, it's strange, isn't it? You're not wrong, though, because there was a point in my life when I was thirteen. But I'm fifteen now, so you obviously sort of spaced on the past two years. Don't worry, I won't hold you out on that, because I know you've been busy doing whatever it is you do in your spare time. Oh, and I hope you meant that as a joke, because I'm definitely going to beat you in OWLs. What'd you get, again? I wouldn't say that to anyone else, but since you're such an understanding cousin, you'll realize that I'm right.

Rose Weasley, you mean? I'm pretty sure she's not into you, but alright. Why does Chloe need cheering up? Is everything okay? I wrote to her a little while back to see how you guys were doing, but she never replied - I guess she must have misplaced the letter somewhere like she always does. I don't even have to ask Raegan to know that she'll be up for it - she'd live at your guys' house if she could. So just tell me when, and we'll be there!

Ainsley

[Sebastian Nott]

Baby Cousin,

I seriously think I have spaced, it feels like I'm still in fifth year. You all look so young though. I swear to fuck I didn't look that young when I was your age. And I feel so desperately sorry for the other girls in your year, that they don't have their very own Sebastian Nott to spice their lives up. Unfortunately there's only one Sebastian Nott. Please. There is no way you can possibly beat me. Os in absolutely everything. Are you in awe of me?

Rose Weasley is secretly in love with me. You know her dickhead boyfriend? They broke up and she's been pretty down. So, surprise party. We're going to get a stripper cake! Probably. We've talked about it. You know. Cool - glad we have you two to count on! You can man the decorations.

Seb.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Pretentious Cousin,

Really? I feel like you should be paying attention to your NEWTs that are coming up this year instead of going on about how young everyone else looks, shouldn't you? I can't believe you and Chloe are going to graduate soon. It's unbelievable. Also, the other girls in my year fit into two categories - they either dislike you/are afraid of you coming within ten metres of them because apparently you have an STI [for the record, do you actually?] or they just want you to speak to them even once and their lives would be complete. It's slightly pathetic. And please, you can't expect me to be in awe. You're talking to someone who's on the same level, if not higher, than you when it comes to studying. So save it, and prepare to be impressed. I'm going to get all O's not only because I'm capable, but also so I can get you to admit defeat for once.

"Secretly" being the key word. That probably means that you're trying to charm her and she's not responding the way that you want her to. Oh, that's awful! Did you beat the shit out of him for it? Chloe's boyfriend, I mean - it just seems like something you would do. Stripper cake. Okay. I'm disappointed with myself for not predicting that one.

Raegan says hi!

Ainsley

[Sebastian Nott]

Baby Cousin,

Oh, believe me, I am paying attention to my NEWTs - started studying on the first day of sixth year. I'm guaranteed all O's. Okay, firstly, I don't have an STI I don't think and secondly, you can't get an STI by walking within ten metres of someone. Merlin. And secondly, of course I'd make their life by talking to them! I seriously believe that I make everyone's life better by just being in their presence. I have a gift. And even if you got all O's you wouldn't defeat me - you'd only be equal to me. You can never defeat me.

It means we're getting married so shut up. Even though I have a serious thing for her Mum as well. Have you ever seen Hermione Granger? She's so fit. Well, the stripper cake at Chloe's birthday won't have Strippers in it, just me and Rose popping out because I'm her favourite and she thinks Rose is okay. But I'll have strippers in the after party. The after party that only I will be attending. If you catch my drift.

Tell her I say hey. And to stay out of trouble obviously.

Seb.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Pretentious Cousin,

That's actually great! I'd call you an over-achiever but that would make me a hypocrite so I won't. How do you know you don't have an STI? Did you talk to a Healer about it and make sure, or no? You can't just decide that on your own, you know. Do whatever you want, just don't blame it on me if you talk to the wrong girl by mistake and they hit you or something. I forgot to mention that a lot of them probably don't even care about you, so there's that. Yes, but being equal is always better than losing. And there's a possibility you won't get all O's in your NEWTs, so I can beat you there.

There's something wrong with you etc. etc. I don't really know what to say. You never cease to amaze me. In a good way or a bad way, I don't quite know. Have fun at that after-party! You're insane.

She wouldn't stay out of trouble if anyone told her, let alone you. She's probably just going to be encouraged if I tell her that you said that.

Ainsley

[Sebastian Nott]

Baby Cousin,

Please. You like invented the word over-achiever. I was just born perfect. Of course I've talked to a bloody Healer! Not that it's any of your business. But I have. Firstly because the rumours were making me nervous, secondly because if I did have one it'd effect more people than me. Just call me Mister Selfless. And I've done that before - your friend? Faye Stanley? Bit scary, that one. Just saying. And please. Everyone cares about me. I'm a Hogwarts Celebrity. Of course I'll get all O's in my NEWTs. Let's not be ridiculous.

I never cease to amaze you because I'm amazing. And believe me, the after party will be the perfect way to end the night. And au contraire, my baby cousin, I am perfectly sane.

She's like my protégée or something! Give her one of those annoying hair-ruffles from me as well.

Seb.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Pretentious Cousin,

Fine. But you're not perfect. Haaa, if you say so. It's really not my problem if you're mistaken and actually do have an STI and go along and pass it to someone. That would be their problem. Also, yes, I can't say that Faye's the biggest fan of yours - she does that thing where she wrinkles her nose all unimpressed whenever she gets a reminder that you happen to be my cousin. It's lovely. But she's actually the best friend ever, so shut up! Your opinion is irrelevant. You're the one that's ridiculous. I bet something'll happen and you won't get all O's in your NEWTs.

How interesting. Alright, but please spare me the details of the after-party, because I've already heard enough to get a good idea of what you'll be doing.

Stop using words like "protégée". You'll hurt yourself. I'd rather not ruffle her hair at the moment though, she's about to go out for the night and she spent ages getting ready and it'd probably end badly for me in that you'd never hear from me again.

Ainsley

P.S. Is there going to be drinking at this party you're holding for Chloe?

[Sebastian Nott]

Baby Cousin,

You know I'm perfect. Shut up. I do not have an STI. New rumours, please. This one is getting old. Your best friend Faye is stuck up. Don't bring her to the party. Unless we put her on, like, rubbish duty or something. She could go around with a bin and wrinkle her nose at people so they'd be too scared of her to throw their litter on the floor and deposit it meekly in the bin. Good plan. And I always get O's. Shut up.

God, Ainsley, you're such a pervert! You know I never do anything that's not completely innocent. Gosh.

I'll hurt you! And Merlin, I'm so proud whenever I hear of my baby cousins going out and drinking. Reminds me of my youth. Tell her before she goes out that men are terrible, awful creatures and not to get involved with any of them. That's what I try to tell Chloe as much as possible. I've laid off a bit recently, though, because of Camden.

Seb.

P.S. No, we're all going to sit around eating cocktail sausages and studying.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Pretentious Cousin,

But you're not. Don't sass me, I'm not the one who started that rumour. I'm just reminding you of it. My best friend Faye is actually better than you. I won't bring her to the party though, she's usually not all that up for socializing unless I drag her out. You're such an arse. No, you've always gotten O's so far. Things could change.

Go away.

It reminds you of your youth? You're only seventeen. It's not like you're old enough to be looking to retire already. Merlin. Thanks for giving me tips on how I should deal with my own sister, though, it's thoroughly appreciated. Your advice is golden, that'll definitely stop her.

Ainsley

P.S. Cool. I didn't realize you were a fan of cocktail sausages.

[Sebastian Nott]

Baby Cousin,

Yeah, it was my other complete cunt of a cousin that started the rumour. And I don't need a reminder, thanks. Your best friend Faye sucks. Ooh, are you bringing another plus one then? Secret boyfriend/lover? Anyone I need to talk to to make sure my baby cousin gets treated right? And things won't change, believe me you.

Hahaaa, nope.

You're all babies to me. Basically, if someone's too young for me to have sex with legally, they're a child. You're welcome - I've got loads of tips! Not all of them work, obviously, but if you use enough I'm sure one of them will.

Seb.

P.S. Oh yeah. And the strongest drink on the table will be lemonade.

[Ainsley Rickett]

Pretentious Cousin,

Which cousin? One of the Malfoys? That's funny quite tragic. You suck more. And ha, that's a good joke. I don't have a secret boyfriend or lover. If I did, it probably wouldn't be a secret. But that's not happening any time soon.

You're difficult.

That's great logic. Seriously astounding. I think you should write books with advice for people with troubling familial situations such as myself. I'd read them and laugh.

Ainsley

P.S. I prefer water, thanks.

[Sebastian Nott]

Baby Cousin,

Yeah, Damien, the knobhead who's going out with Aggy Bass. Poor girl. Well, you suck the most. Ooh. I think you do have a secret boyfriend or lover! Or d'you just fancy someone? I won't tell. Promise.

I'm lovely.

I think I will! I've always fancied myself as a writer. I have a flair for essays, books shouldn't be much more of a stretch. And I could write ones about how to get off with girls, as well. You'd be surprised how many guys are clueless about it.

Seb.

P.S. Are you sure water wouldn't be too wild, Ainsley? Why can't you just be good and stick to inhaling Oxygen?

[Ainsley Rickett]

Pretentious Cousin,

I think you're forgetting that I'm also related to Damien, so I have a good enough idea of who he is. No, I really don't. When I do, which will be never, don't worry, you'll be the first person I'll break the secret to. And of course I don't fancy anyone. There's no time for that.

I would argue the contrary.

Okay, well, I want some part in this, so let me do the editing for you? I think you'd be a terrible writer for actual published works, so I'm not sure why I suggested it, but there's no harm in trying it out. What're you planning on doing once you graduate, anyway?

Ainsley

P.S. I know, I know, I'm getting a bit out of control these days. Life is tough, you've got to adapt to certain situations, which is exactly what I'm doing. Be proud.

[Sebastian Nott]

Baby Cousin,

Oh yeah, I forgot - sorry, you seem to be related to half of Hogwarts, it's hard to keep up at times. Anyways, I'm sorry you're related to him as well, but I feel kind of glad Chloe, Scorpius, Ella and I aren't the only ones who have to suffer. Don't you be silly! I'm sure you'll find a lover this year. Can't be alone for ever. Someone's got to have you.

Poo you.

Alright, you can be my editor - we'll make millions. Nothing will sell better than Sebastian Nott's Guide to Getting Off With Girls. What am I going to do after graduation? I'm going to be the Minister of Magic, isn't it obvious?

Seb.

P.S. Oh my little rebellious cousin. What am I going to do with you.