Señor Diario

[ladymoth5]

Señor Diario
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I’m sorry. Mr. Journal became too much too look at, to many bad pages. I’d much rather just put him up on a shelf and start with a brand new book. Señor Diario doesn’t need to be disguised, so that’s cool. It’s a yellow affair this time, it has a little bumble bee on it. It’s a manly looking bumblebee though, manliness intact. So okay, let’s start this thing of right with some good news:

Chris and I made up over the Christian fiasco (See previous journal.) He was questioned by O’Malley with me and Christian separately and I think we all must have sugar coated it a bit because neither I nor Christian were expelled. I got my prefectship taken away but at the very least I can still head the Panda Patrol now that it’s founders have graduated. O’Malley says that the curriculum will be streamlined over summer and next year we won’t have to worry about bullying at all (you know, after she was done yelling at me.) My parents gave me ‘we’re not mad we’re just disapointed’ and ‘did your sister put you up to this?’ and ‘we understand why you were upset and pushed but we’ve come to expect more from you.’ And then they took the radio and the cd player out of my room. But they brought me an owl and they didn’t ground me so how mad could they be? I don’t know, I think they should be more angry, is that weird? But they got me a girlfriend, maybe that’s a punishment? It feels like one.

Anyway, to return to the good news me and Chris totally made up. It turned out that he was really upset that HE was hard on ME. Like he was losing sleep and his appetite over it, I’ve never met someone so empathetic… wait… good news right? Okay, I think I remember how to talk about good news.

Chris and I made up on the train, and by maid up I mean made out, with tongues, and my shirt was off, and grinding. I really like grinding. He’s just so totally amazing with like every atom that he’s comprised of is super charged with amazing. We’ve been sending owls to each other. My new owl, Eyebrows, totally go lost on the way to his house a ton of times so the first two letters I sent to him (sexy ones) were read by Lorcan of all people. So now we’re sort of sending the letters in code so no one reads us being sexy to each other. It’s like an innuendo fest and he’s king innuendo. Anyway the gist of it all is that at the very least I’m sure I’ll see him naked at the fiesta.

I’m going to see my boyfriend naked and it’s going to be soooooooooooooooooooooo hot.♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

[ladymoth5]

It’s officially sex day. I mean, I don’t know if we’re going to have sex but I think we’re going to have it in some form, maybe not all the way sex, but- you know what I don’t have the mental capacity or know-how or the nerve to continue this trail of thought.

I’m nervous as anything! And it’s not just jitters. I’m not sure if I’m giving myself up too easily. Every time I see Chris I always end up going farther than I planned. And we’ve seen each other what? In the pet store, after rugby, in the hall, in the hospital wing, on the train. I think exactly 2 of those can be considered a date and now this party is like our third date. So I’m literally giving it up on the third date. That sounds easy doesn’t it? Chris said he liked the chase. I mean, in the train it was him who had to push me off in the end. I’m chasing him!

And then there’s the nervousness and the questions. Everything from ‘what if I forget the lube’ to ‘what if he sees me naked and realizes he’s not gay.’ (Pan Sexual, whatever. There needs to be a short word for pansexual. PS!) And then Bianca told me that Chris told her he liked cars and he told me he didn’t know what cars were, so that’s really weird! What if I really don’t know the guy I’m dating and I’m about to have sex with him? Am I doing this because I want Chris or because I want sex?

No. I want Chris. There’s no other boy on my mind.

But maybe Chris will have to wait a little while longer.

[ladymoth5]

Señor Diario
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Hola Señor. I told my parents I was gay. I just told myself I had to do it, then I did it. I got them together while Rosa was out (I knew she'd come to my rescue so I had to do it behind her back) and I sat them down on the couch with a cup of tea and I said "Mamà. Papà. I want a puppy." and they said "You're at school nine months of the year, you be there while it's a puppy anyway." and THEN I actually got the nerve up and I said "I'm a homosexual."
and they looked at me like they thought I was joking, like I was trying to get a puppy by nefariously falsely convicting myself as a homosexual so that when I said something like "but I could be convinced to be straight if you got me a puppy" we would all share a good lawl. Then they started to look panicky and I freaked out and ran off.
I sat on my bed and I looked at my map and I counted all the places where I would rather be than in my house right now. So then ten minutes later they came into my room and they had got me a plate of cookies and some milk and they sit down with me on the bed and they tell me that it's not uncommon to be curious some of the time but I don't have to feel like the only way to commiserate with my sister is to be gay as well. And that it's one thing for my sister to experiment but I'm a boy and it doesn't just reflect badly on me it reflects badly on them and how they brought me up.
So I told them that they were upsetting me, and that I was very over whelmed because their was nothing that I could do about being gay, that I wouldn't do anything about it even if I could, and that I wasn't doing it because I wanted to make Rosa feel better. Then I told them it wasn't a phase, that I'd always been like this, and didn't plan on changing, and that I had a boyfriend, and that Mamà had already met him at the party and thought he was nice.
And then they told me that because I was a teenager I wasn't able to think long term and that my emotions were getting in the way and in a few years I'd wish I hadn't gone through this phase because it will taint my memories of my youth and that it will make finding the right girl less special, somehow.
Then I insisted to them that I was not going to grow out of it and that this was who I always had been and nothing really had changed except that now I was being honest with them and they should be happy about that.
Then they said that I wasn't listening to them
and I said they were underestimating my abilities to define the changes I was going through and my abilities to identify the constant aspects of who I was, and that if they wanted to support me I would really like that because I loved them and if they didn't it was there loss.
and they told me that I was going though a phase (they really hung onto that little argument point)
and I told them if that I thought it would be best to stay with Andi's for a little while they thought about what what and who was important to them.
And they said no. Then they locked me in my room! I know right?!
Then of course Rosa came home and merlin knows how long that row lasted for! It ended when she apparated into my room, made me pack, and apparated me to Andi's apartment.
Now I'm alone in an apartment that's full of knives.
And that was my day.

OH! Don't get my started about Chris.

[ladymoth5]

Dear Señor Diario,
What do I do, what do I do, WhatdoIdo??? My boyfriend left me for his grandmother. Chris' grandmother is sick which means I can't date him. I mean Chris feels guilty because his grandmother is old fashioned and being with me is living a lie. Even though he's living a lie not being with me because he's just going to pretend like I don't exist until she dies. Is that something a good boyfriend does? His grandmother is dying and suddenly our love is making him guilty. Because of the homophobic old You know what diary. That just got ugly. We both said somethings we didn't mean. What matters is that I'M ALONE AND UNLOVED AND NOT EVEN MY SISTERS ARE SPEAKING TO ME! GODRIC! AND HE WANTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER AFTER HIS GRANDMOTHER HAS DIED?! "HEY JOJO! I JUST BURIED MY GRANDMOTHER! WANT TO GIVE ME A BLOW JOB!?"

Sweet Jesus I miss him so much. I don't want to get back together with him, I told him if I was free I would but, I'm not sure. I'm defiantly not waiting for him. The worst part is that I think he believes it himself, that loving me is wrong. It hurts. It hurts and I just want to hold him and make him feel better and tell him everything will be okay. I see him passing in the halls and I can see he's losing sleep. What can I do about it? I have to stay away from him. Okay... I slipped some sugar quills in his bag, I had to do something. What if that made it worst? What if he needs this relationship to just die so he can find someone new? Some woman. Oh woe.