This little thing I call a ``h e a r t }}

[Annika Cristiano]

Read this and I am going to stab you in the eye with a quill and twist it around until your brains ooze out. And that's just the start.

Dear journal/diary/blah..

My life sucks. Sucks. S-U-C-K-S. Why?

Well, for starters I am totally failing charms. So, my dream of becoming an Auror someday is out the fricking window. Why, oh why, does Charms have to be so hard? So many incantations, and wrist movements and--eurgh. Why can't it be like potions? A simple list of ingredients and what to do with them clearly written down. Argh!

Secondly, I am sick. Sick! And not just one of those take-this-potion-at-night-and-don't-exhert-yourself sick. One of the you're-quarantined-in-the-hospital-wing-till-we-can-shift-you-to-Mungo's. I mean what the hell is that?
The nice healer lady (who's name I do not know...No, Mummy's voice in my head, I have not forgotten how to be a nice lady..I was busy vomiting my guts out) ran away to tell Professor O'Malley and Madam James and I'm left here, in serious pain and a confused thought.
Do you (rhetorical question...you can't think for yourself, journal....now I'm talking to inanimate objects..wow) know what it feels like when everything points in one direction and you know the answer but can't remember?

I have that feeling now. I know what's wrong with me but can't put a finger on it. I am seriously missing something.

And, well...day after tomorrow is when...you know..it happened. It's his death anniversary and I have to have to have to be down near the Black Lake. You know the whole ritual with the letter writing and ring burying and all.
I can still see it in my head..the blood and all the..
And I can't even talk to anybody because nobody knows Papa died like that.
Well, one person knows...but no, I'm not talking to Kale. Yuck. I hate him.
I miss talking to him. He was a nice friend.

But, he's the only one I can talk, I could talk, I should...

No. Nobody to talk to.

Where has that healer lady gone to???



Annika

[Annika Cristiano]

It's today. It's been exactly six years. Today. And I still can't get over it...
Am I supposed to write down what I saw? Because I can never describe it. And I'm not supposed to know. But how do you un-know something, and I don't care if that's a real word or not...
It's been exactly six years since my life turned upside down and...I don't know how to put it back together. But, crazily enough, I don't feel like a part of me had been ripped away.
I feel like I've always been this screwed up.
Maybe something's wrong in my head and they can fix it with the Dragon Pox (Dragon fucking Pox! Ugh!).

Maybe I ruptured a vessel in my brain many years ago and it's been slowly, slowly leaking blood all this time, undetected.

Papa, I am saying this to you. I know I would write you a real letter, but I can't. Cheri would get confused and you know how she is (you remember, right?). She'll never come back until she finds you. I would go with her, but I can't leave Mummy or Anna. Sorry.
Why did you leave me? How could you? Why did you have to go out that night?
Couldn't you have waited till the next day? What was so important?...It's not fair.
It's not fair because you'll never get to see me graduate and you won't get a chance to give me away when (if) I get married.
I miss you, Papa.
And I'm sorry. I am so so sorry. I know I was supposed to be down there today, with you but I can't be because I'm here and they won't let me go and I'm sorry I'm not fighting for what I want. I tried. I did, I swear.

It's not fair that I can't remember you. Only from those pictures in the albums and a few scattered memories. But I remember clearly all the blood and the color of your sweater that day and even how many stab marks you had.
I promise Papa. If I die from this, I'll come find you and look after you, just like you did. I love you, Papa.

Guardare me, papà. La tua bambina sta per combattere per se stessa, perché lei sa che l'avrebbe voglia. Io ti amo.

I should be crying right now, but I'm not. I can't. I don't know how to. Besides, that Chang dude is here and Eric Perry still looks a bit like his head got hit (well...it did.)
I have to get ready now, to go to Mungo's. Maybe I need it. A break.

I wish (I swear, if anybody is reading this I am going to Avada your ass off, then mutilate your body so they have nothing to bury) I could talk to Kale. He knows. And he may be a jerk, playing and messing around with me, but he's a great friend sucker. No! I cannot and will not talk to him (even if I want to).

I miss you, Papa. And you too, Kale. With all my heart, I do.

I should go. Ugh. My Charms assignments are going to bomb.



Annika

[Annika Cristiano]

Dear Journal thing,

A lot has happened since I last wrote in this and I certainly can say that things have taken a turn for the better. Or as "better" as they get for me.

Papa, I finally managed to bury the ring. Finally.

Which means I got out of the hospital, fully fit. Not. I have to take atleast three potions a meal, so I'm carrying little vials with me everywhere I go, if I go out, and I can't have any cigarettes or drinks. Not that it's stopped me, but still. I can't do it that frequently without wracking up my lungs, thanks.

Also, I made up with Kale. Like, yeah. I don't know how it happened but we were just tripping over words until we sorted it out and now I think we're back to normal. Sort of. Atleast, there's no hostility. I'm glad because I missed him. An awful lot, too much for my liking if I say so my self.

The perils of being in love with a guy you can never have.

Yeah, that's it. Pretty much.

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Annika

[Annika Cristiano]

Dear Diary.

You know how they say that no matter what happens with your life, as long as you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you know you're going right? Well, what if the the light at the end of a tunnel is a train, chugging your way to run you over?

I've tried so hard to fit into this school ever since I came here, to get over everything that happened before.

But, now it's like my whole world has been rattled, dumped up side down.

And you know what?

It's like I'm finally going somewhere.

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Annika