i'm trying to quit. shut up.

[Sebastian Nott]

Feeling fucking sick, and was tired of people pestering me so I left the Great Hall in the middle of dinner and am now lying on my bed trying not to smoke. Because Chloe doesn't want me to, and Mum wouldn't want me to, and Dad would clip me over the head if he found out.

So.

Am learning there is really nothing to do when one is not with people and not smoking.

Month has been alright. Fair enough. Smoked a lot. Attempted to quit. A lot. Made lists of girls I would like to bang. A lot. Made list of guys I would like to bang. Once.

Learned that not a lot of Hogwarts girls are bang-able. Learned that one of those un-bang-able girls, apparently, is Roxanne Weasley. Learned it just the other day, from Scorpius.

What I picked up from the situation was that he was going to fuck her in the Room of Requirement but then didn't, for reasons unknown. And then he kind of lounged around for days afterward acting all depressed, like he'd just committed a murder or something.

I mean, please.

I've done much worse.

Met Bella in the Owlery. I was smoking. I'm trying to quit. Shut up. Feel a bit guilty about how I treated Bella last year, but not guilty enough to apologise.

I learned someone named Ella Creevey existed. I charmed my way into her heart. I must congratulate myself for own awesomeness more often.

Met Devyn Oberlin's crazy twin, Danni. Will punch her if she ever comes near me again, that is a fucking promise.

And I don't want to write about Devyn.

Chloe and I decided to get the Giant Squid a girlfriend. Shouldn't be too hard for him to get lucky, actually, now that I've sexed him up by turning him a fabulous shade of hot pink with lime-green polka dots.

Minos and I are planning some kind of wild party -- at least, if Kale and Scorpius are up for it. I'll let Chloe come, too, but I refuse to get her out of trouble like I did last time. And if any of the lads come near to making advances on her, I will castrate them with a spoon.

Talked to Albus in the kitchens. Infuriated him, which was excellent.

Got up this morning and was so dazzled by own handsomeness when I looked in the mirror that I was forced to sit down for a moment. Then I went upon my merry way.

Then I resolved to quit smoking. Again.

Then I ended up here.

So.

Am learning there is really nothing to do when one is not with people and not smoking.

[Sebastian Nott]

Fuck quitting smoking.

It's not like anyone cares if I'm endangering my health, anyway, you know?

And, Devyn Oberlin, you can fuck yourself.

Like, sometimes I just wish that I could do shit and not have everyone judge me and look at me and assume that I have no feelings because I flirt with girls and sleep around.

((and sometimes I fucking wish that I didn't do shit for people to judge at all.))

((and sometimes I even fucking hate myself.))

Anyway. Went to a party last night. Had a rubbish time.

Helped Roxanne make Scorpius jealous.

Scorpius can go and fuck himself, too.

[Sebastian Nott]

Oh! Forgot to mention; learned something interesting and rather enlightening last night at the party.

Chloe's got a boyfriend.

And I fully intend to hex his balls off, at least once I get over this hangover.

((what's his name again? Camden?))

[Sebastian Nott]

I cannot believe she ruined my notes. Does she not know how long I worked on those fucking notes? I swear to Merlin, Devyn Oberlin is Voldemort's spawn. Bitch.

My hand is sore now, too, 'cause I hit a wall I was so angry, and I sort of misjudged my strength as I've spent the last ten minutes curled up in a fetal position with my knuckles bleeding, hoping Scorpius doesn't come in. Because if he does, he'll probably break my nose.

And then I'd give up. I see no point in living in a world where I'm not beautiful.

I'm pretty sure Scorpius is still mad at me. I've been avoiding him like fuck, because I want to get to Roxanne first so I can get on her good side. He wouldn't dare fuck me over if I'm in his girlfriend's favour.

I know. Scorpius' girlfriend.

At least, that's how the rumours go. I don't fancy being castrated with a spoon and asking him outright, so I'll have to by what everyone's saying.

It's extremely tiresome not knowing what's really happening. Me and Scorpius have to kiss (not literally) and make up soon because I need all of the details for purposes such as blackmail and gossip to tell Chloe.

Of course, once Scorp and I are all buddy-buddy again (we will be soon. He can't go on without me. I'm the bright light in his life. I daresay I'm one of the reasons he gets up in the morning. I'd stay in bed all day, too, if I didn't have a mirror) I will immediately get a smug-and-superior expression etched across my face for the first couple of days, as I helped the two get together. All I seem to be doing these days is helping people. Fuck, I'm practically a saint.

Well, no I'm not, I'm a bastard, Devyn's right, but

I wonder if Roxanne and Scorpius have finished what they started in the Room of Requirement? I'll have to make a note to ask Scorpius. Wonder if she's any good how long they'll stay together. Hopefully quite a while, Roxanne's not too bad.

And she must be bang-able if she's going out with Scorpius. I know my cousin, and he wouldn't go out with an un-bang-able bird. If he was, he wouldn't be my cousin. Period.

And the population of un-bang-ables in Hogwarts is frightening. I mean, even in the lads. I only have five or so lads I'd not mind banging; Augustus Flint, Frankie Macmillan, Minos Montague, Kale Lestrange, and James Potter. The others all have faces on them like a Hippogriff's arse. Ditto for most of the girls.

(Except for Ria -- that girl's still hot enough to melt hell. Wonder if she'd bang me again if I charmed her very sweetly?)

Fucking furious at Bow Wood, still. I mean, seriously. Taken girls are off limits, and even I don't treat girls that bad. I may be an arse like Devyn says but I treat every girl like she's special. And every girl is, aren't they? Even if they're not bang-able.

Hope Cass is okay. Hope James (#5 on the list) beats the shite out of Bow once he gets wind of what Wood was saying to his girlfriend.

My knuckles still hurt.

[Scorpius Malfoy]

I may find it in my heart to forgive you, dear cousin, if just because I now know how much you care.

Also because there is no need to punch you when I can blackmail you with the contents of your diary. I've taken it, in case you were wondering, and am leaving you this letter in its place. I'm sure Chloe will be delighted to see that you plan on hexing her boyfriend, and also that Devyn Oberlin will be interested in your list of boys you'd like to shag (you have no idea how much I'm laughing right now).

If you're actually gay, it's okay, I don't judge you, but I might have to tell Ella Creevey, not to mention your parents. In fact, I may have to tell them even if you're not.

Now, don't punch the wall again. It's made of stone, so you won't win.

[Sebastian Nott]

Dear Wanker Of A Cousin,

I hope you find this note. Seeing as you're obsessed enough with me to put all of your energy into finding my account of my day-to-day actions, I daresay you will.

First of all, I think Chloe should be emotionally prepared for the fact that her boyfriend won't be quite the same when I'm done with hexing him, so perhaps it's just as well.

Secondly, just because I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to list which lads I wouldn't mind banging is no reason to act out on your jealous feelings and show my private scribblings around. Still want to stay at my house over the holidays? You're treading on thin ice, my lad. I have absolutely no reservations against leaving you with nowhere to go.

And you could be a bit more considerate next time, and answer my questions, please. I wondered -- quite a few times -- in those scribblings whether or not you and Roxanne have got it on yet.

And is she really your girlfriend? Little Scorpius has settled down. Bless.

With a Weasley. Wonder what your parents would have to say to that? Do they know yet? Again, please be more considerate and answer my questions next time you decide to leaf through my stuff. Cheers.

I'm very glad you wouldn't judge me if I were gay. Makes me feel all fuzzy inside. I knew you loved me, really.

((Why would you tell Ella Creevey? Odd choice. But, fair enough. Whatever pleases you, Cousin.))

Oh, I think I have quite a good chance against the wall, actually! Next time I'll be more prepared for the pain, and hopefully my knuckles won't bleed.

With all my love,

Sebastian xxx

[Scorpius Malfoy]

Of course I found it. I'm too amused by how much I'm pissing you off, and how much you're pretending not to be pissed off, not to go looking.

So, you're comfortable with your sexuality, are you? What is that sexuality then? Just so I know what to tell Aunt Daphne.

Talking of Aunt Daphne, she's invited me to stay with you, as has Chloe. What, you though I was coming to see you? Sorry, you don't get a say in this.

Keep deluding yourself. I hope I come across you next time you're crying like a baby over your bleeding knuckles. You need to learn to get that temper of yours under control.

(You're not getting any kisses. That's just weird, mate.)

[Sebastian Nott]

I'm straight. Obviously.

And of course I'm pissed off. Stealing my journal is pretty pathetic, even for you, but it still pisses me off. I fully intend to make your stay at our house a misery.

And you didn't answer my question about whether your dad knows about Roxanne and you. You two are a couple now, right? Just so, you know. I know what to tell Uncle Draco.

xxx

[Scorpius Malfoy]

Obviously? You have a list of boys you'd like to shag. How is that 'obviously' straight?

The worse you are to me, the more likely I am to show the contents of this journal to Devyn Oberlin. And stealing your journal is only a very small payback for what you did to me.

Yes we are. And if you tell him, you'll be doing an extremely awkward job for me, so go ahead. He might even initially hex you instead of me.

And this is going to be the last little note I write to you here, since we're off home for the holidays. If you want to continue the conversation (you probably don't, since you're coming off worse), send me an owl.