please be alright [Norah]

[Aidan O'Banion]

Late August of 2022

Aidan sat in his bed with the covers pulled around him for quite sometime, trying to force his eyes close. In the darkness of his room he just laid there, his eyes opening just to wonder around the room, trying to focus on anything to keep his mind from going to where it was. Hogwarts started three days ago and here he was, in his room at home in Ireland trying with all his might to push the guilt out of him. He had gotten special permission from Hogwarts, due to what happened to Norah just one month ago with his fathers influence, to remain at home one extra week. 'Course, it took quite a bit just to convince their dad for him to stay while Conan got on the train, but eventually their dad saw the light.

It had been one month exactly since Norah lost the baby. Now she was home. She left America not long ago to take up her old room in the house, their ma constantly checking in on her. If anyone knew what Norah was feeling, it would have been their ma. She lost two babies herself before Aidan came along and it had possibly torn her apart to see her daughter have the same experience she didn't wish on anyone. Especially her child. Aidan didn't get to accompany his parents when they left for America. Instead, he crashed with their Uncle Michael and didn't sleep a wink. The anxiety kept him awake. He should have been their with them, he should have helped in some way. He should have punched the dick in the nose, but maybe that was the one thing good that came out of him staying at home.

He couldn't fight it anymore. Aidan sat up straight in his bed feeling as alert he did the days he stayed at Uncle Michael's waiting to see Norah. He knew, even after a month she wasn't doing well. She had lost her child. There's no way to recover easily from that. He could tell even today she was putting on that smile for show. True, Conan was now out of the house and that itself was a cause for joy, but he knew it was fake.

He threw the covers off his body and quickly rose out of his bed. He was just styling his pajama pants. His shirt was halfway across the room with all his other dirty clothes he hadn't bothered bringing down to clean that he couldn't be bother to cross the room to fetch it and headed for the door half naked. Their parents and Craig were all asleep and judging by the darkness through the house he assumed Norah was too (or at least pretending to be) but that didn't stop him. He let his feet take him down the familiar, dark hallway not needing a light to see where he was going and his hand reached her doorknob. He took a breath, as if preparing for the lions den but knowing he had to talk, and turned the knob. Poking his head in curiously, he called softly, "Norah? You up? If I turn the lights on will you be up?" he suggested, in case she decided to ignore him just in case she was awake.

[Norah O'Banion]

It was a hot, late August morning, the heat was mild, though not completely unbearable. Even so, Norah tossed and turned in bed, haunching, every now and then, into a ball, her knees against her chest, the duvet pulled over her head. Her mind was running in circles and she tried, completely and failingly, not to think. Thinking made everything worse, ten times worse because her mind went places, dark places that she couldn't pull herself from; and she wasn't too certain that she wanted to pull herself back either. She'd only been home for a few days, and she'd thought, at the time (in between the crying and numbness), that leaving would solve everything - walking away from the love, the engagement, would solve everything; things seemed to only worsen. Foolish she'd been, to believe that. But had there been anything left for her to stay for? Yes, she still loved her fiancée, her heart still ached for him, even more so right now as she held to the covers, the heat threatening to strangle her, the empty - literally empty, strange sensation in her stomach.

She hadn't felt empty in months . . . six to be exact, but like the rushing of a waterfall everything seemed to end. Did he still love her? Did he want her after she'd managed to loose the baby made only from love? She hoped he did, and although she felt at fault for the baby's death, she also felt that that fatal argument they'd had, the one where the cramping had started, contributed to it as well. Sure they'd had their arguments, all couples had, but when she'd told him repeatedly she wasn't feeling well, she didn't want to argue, the argument had still started up. It wasn't until she'd felt the immense sensation of blackness enveloping her that she'd even had a slight realization of what had been happening.

And now here she was, after everything had been said and done, she was back at home. The muggle flight back had been long and isolating. Even though she had her mum with her, holding her hand and stroking her cheek, whispering that everything would be okay; and her Dad, placing soft kisses on the top of her head, telling her he'd take care of everything, she still felt alone, desolate. She hadn't been able to really visit with her brothers, and she knew she adding chaos to an already chaotic time for them - they were heading back to Hogwarts, and then there she was. She'd gone about the house, attempting a smile every now and then, but more so just staying out of sight, either sleeping or pretending to sleep. She'd said good-bye to Conan, and Aidan - unaware that he'd begged to stay longer - as they left for Hogwarts, and watch as Connor went off to their uncle's, apparently to give her some time.

But sleeping wasn't easy; laborious, even, as she tried it now. Time was fleeting, endless, unmarking. She was almost certain she'd been up for hours, her mind going through the names she'd been thinking of to name the baby, the unfinished wedding plans, and most of all the pain in the pitt of her stomach. The healers had let her know she'd been in pain for a few weeks, but the pain seemed to concentrate when she thought of the what ifs. Taking a deep breath, she rolled over once more, bringing her knees to her chest. Lilian she thought as she did what she'd been trying not to do for the hours she'd been up; she placed a hand to her barren stomach. Lilian for a girl; micah, for a boy . . . and just like that the tears started up again, as she tried to hush them. She sucked a breath in and her hand shook. it was all my fault she told herself, rubbing at her eyes with one hand and stroking her stomach once more with the other, the blanket still over head. It wasn't until she heard the paddling of soft footfalls that she dropped her hand from her stomach and took a deep breath. Her bedroom door creaked open and Norah quieted, hoping that no one had heard her start crying. She'd been crying for days - weeks - but she'd tried to do it when no one was around to see or hear her. She had to make it seem like she was okay.

She'd expected to hear her ma, or dad's voice, but instead she heard her little brother's. Hadn't he gone off for Hogwarts? What was he doing home? For a moment she'd considered not answering him, pretending to sleep, and just wait until he left to move - again - but she didn't want him to turn the light on to check on her; she knew he would. Instead she pulled the blanket down, dressed only an oversized t-shirt (her dad's) and shorts, and called out to him, rather weakly, her voice high with tiredness, "I'm not . . . " she started, sniffling, "I'm. . . what - you - uhm. . . did you miss the express?" she asked, breathing deep as she tried to hide the fact that she'd been crying, again. She could see the outline of his silhouette in the door; the heat of the blanket started to get to her, but without it she felt naked.



----

ooc: omg, worst reply ever. I'm so sorry. I'm trying to do too many things at once. Sorry!

[Aidan O'Banion]

When he opened the door, he honestly didn't know what he was expecting. When she was walking around the house with that smile on her lips, he never believed it. He'd seen her eyes when ma and dad brought her home and from the first second he never bought the act. But he also knew she'd never admit to it. He really never had a chance to talk to her one on one since she arrive due to the fact that their ma preoccupied all her time. If it wasn't their ma, it was their dad or the act was on. Why would she hide it from him? Craig and Conan, sure. But not Aidan. He had hoped when he rolled out of bed he would catch her awake and stop her from avoiding him as that's what it felt like she's been doing and merlin he hated it.

Naturally, a smile crossed his lips as he finally saw her figure move in the bed and without hesitation he moved in the room with one quick move, snapping the door shut behind him. His skin was so pale, it was like he was glowing from the light sweeping in through the window. However, while in the process of snapping her door closed he caught her voice and his head quickly turned toward her. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the light and after blinking a few times, he crossed the room to her. He flopped down quite clumsily on the bed next to her, forcing a grin on his lips. Anyone could probably tell by just looking at his eyes it was for her benefit.

"Oh, I skipped it. Who needs school anyway? I'm pursuing my dream of becoming a famous singer," he teased easily, the words flowing more smoothly than he thought. He breathed a small sigh of relief. "Dad thinks I have a real future in the business," he continued, studying her face while trying to be subtle about it. Had she been crying? Her eyes seemed quite red. Her voice was week when she spoke. He could only assume. "No, I er..Actually got permission to stay..." he trailed off, dropping his gaze almost guiltily. If there was one thing about her Aidan knew was that she didn't like people seeing her in pain. Much less skipping a week of school to take care of her. She was too headstrong for that. "Rora," he asked, his tone serious for once in his life and his face calm as he looked back up at her. "I'm worried about you. How are you doing?"

---

ooc: omfg it was perfect though hush <3

[Norah O'Banion]

Norah watched as Aidan paddled his way into her room, a room shed never thought she'd be back in, except for to visit. She'd imagined having her own home, where she could invite her mum over, let her brother flit through, yet here she was. The room was as ever inviting as it'd always been. Her parents hadn't touched anything while she was gone, yet there was something different about it, foreign, yet familiar. She contemplated this thought for a quick second, settling on something entire different. That something doesn't wasn't the room, that foreign feeling, it was her.

She watched, her lids drooping just a bit, fighting sleep she needed, but didn't want, and couldn't quite grasp fully, as Aidan closed the door. He paddled over to the bed and plopped down, rather clumsily, sending a few stabs of pain through Norah as he did so. She'd been bordering on nineteen weeks when she'd lost the baby, a late miscarriage, which meant it was going to take longer for her body to heal completely. He hadn't done it on purpose, of course he hadn't, but nonetheless, Norah winced slightly. She was still taking her pain potion, and had an appointment to see a healer soon.

"Don't, not so rough . . ." she told him, her voice soft, yet thick with the tears she'd just choked down. She wasn't trying to chastise him in the slightest, just let him know she hadn't healed completely yet, physically (or mentally for that matter). Norah blinked a few times, her eyes adjusting as she sat up, slowly, the throw still covering her legs. He was forcing his grin, she could tell, and Norah could feel her heart sink. She hated the look on his face, the concern. He was only a little kid, he didn't need to worry about her - she was the eldest, she was at fault for this, not him. He didn't need to worry about her. "You, singing?" she laughed, however, the laughter forced. "Dad's lying to you. Setting you up for failure," she continued, sucking in her breath and forcing out another laugh.

Norah nodded at his next words, the tears coming back to the surface as she ducked her head. "You shouldn't have, Addie . . ." she started, fighting to push them down, she whipped at her eyes, sniffling. "Damn summer allergies . . ." muttered Norah in an attempt to hide that she was only seconds from crying, as a few tears slipped through. There was a feeling of overwhelming grief as she sought to look up, and at her brother. Aidan's next words confirmed her worry about his worry, and compounded the guilt she currently felt.

He reminded her, at the moment, with the serious expression on his face, his eyes starring at her with such concern, of the five year old boy, that'd trailed behind her as she drug him through Honeydukes, looking for her date. It was that same look of worry, of concern, that was getting to her right now. She didn't think she could answer his question without crying, full blown, and not just the silent tears she'd shed seconds earlier.

"Addie . . ." her voice cracked, yet she tried to fight through, "I'm . . . don't worry - i'm - don't - don't worry about me, I'm . . ." her sentence trailed off, and she found herself crying, and trying - at the same time - to stop it. Aidan was the only person who she'd let willingly or unwillingly see her this way.


----

ooc: the majority of this is me not shutting the fuck up. I'm sorry! no need to match length, at all!

[Aidan O'Banion]

The second he flopped down and caught her wince out of the corner of his eye, his face fell slightly. Sometimes the fact that she was also in physical pain as well as emotional just slipped his mind. He knew that having the miscarriage left her in, well, not the best physical state she had ever been in. Yet, she always seemed so strong and sometimes the pain he read on her face was inner pain that the other just flew over his head. He was too distracted by the absolute misery she tried so well to hide behind her eyes. "I'm sorry," he said hastily, awkwardly shifting his body as carefully as he could so that he faced her.

The laughter was forced, and he fought back a sigh. He took it anyway. "Yes, actually. Why, before we left Hogwarts I gave Louis, Chris, and Caspar quite a show. The fact that tried strangling me with pillows is irrelevant," he said with a small chuckle and a wave of his hand in the air. "And why would dad want to do that?" he asked, forcing pure confusion on his face, masking everything. Yes, good. "He always said we could become anything we wanted if we fought for it. So obviously that means I just have to take out all the competition. I could do that," he teased half-heartedly.

The second she raised her hand to wipe at her eyes, Aidan felt a tugging feeling in his chest and his smile became strained. "Summer allergies?" he repeated with a raised eyebrow, his voice seeming as if it came from a distance. The tugging feeling continued and again Aidan shifted awkwardly on her bed, trying hard not to disturb her again. He was never the best with dealing with emotions but he sucked in a breath, seeing a few tears streaming down her cheeks. It was his turn to be the strong one, wasn't it? "And I wanted too. Besides, I haven't seen you much..." he trailed off carefully, trying to choose his words carefully.

When the sobbing started, first Aidan sat there in shock. He never remembered a time when she willingly let him see her in this state. She let him see her pissed beyond belief (mainly because he caused the anger most of the time) but not this. Then suddenly, he wrapped his arms around her and scooted closer to his older sister. "No, Rora," he mumbled, shaking his head and spitting out a few stray red hairs. "I am going to worry about you. Isn't that what siblings are for?" he offered, trying to remain light-hearted, though there was no way to do that. "What's the matter?" he asked, unable to think of a better questioned. There were so many things wrong he couldn't focus on just one himself, unable to imagine the pain Norah was going through. So he summed up all the questions in one lame one.

[Norah O'Banion]

Norah immediately regretted the wince she gave, along with the reprimanded, as soon as Aidan apologised. It wasn't his fault she was in pain, physical, or otherwise, and he'd only been trying to help. That was his specialty, helping. He'd always seemed to show up in the darkest of hours, bright smile on his face, happy disposition; he'd been doing so since he was a baby, a baby with too much on his shoulders, it seemed. No matter how old he got, too, Norah would always seem him as the fat faced chubby little bunny following behind her. "Don't worry about it, kid, you didn't know . . . " she assured him, sighing heavily as she tried her hardest not to cry, an almost impossible fete at the moment.

She tried to continue to joke with him, laugh as he did, but as soon as his arms came around her, everything seemed to fade away. Her resolve, her attempt at not crying, at staying strong. This was her little brother, it was suppose to be the other way around. She was the one who was suppose to be strong, for him. She should be the one stomping around, fierce looks on her face as she threatened to do away with any little girl who'd broken his heart, or vice versa, reprimanding him for breaking a heart.

But all of that seemed insignificant now as she responded to his hug by wrapping her arms around him and holding tightly. She hadn't cried this much since her mum had showed in the hospital, there'd been tears in Lisa O'Banion's eyes then, and Norah hadn't been able to hold hers in. She'd done well since then, not even crying in her father's arms, not crying when she'd boarded the muggle plane destined for Ireland. She'd held in all in since then. All it'd taken is one person to see through her resolve and she was done.

"I'm sorry," openly she weeped, feeling like a child, or at least younger than her brother, as she cried into his chest. She was taller than him, not by much, but instead of feeling odd, to her, she felt almost at ease, almost safe, but her demons continued to plague her. Her baby was gone. Completely and fully, she'd never hear its cry, name it - her, that's what Norah was hoping for, a girl. "It's all my fault, my - I - should have - I should have taken control instead of trying to be diplomatic, and I listened to everyone else. And my baby, I lost my daughter - what kind of mother would I even . . . and now," her words were cut off, no idea finished or completed as she for the first time in a while openly spoke about what she'd lost. "I still love him, I miss him, too . . . oh merlin, i love him so much. . . " her words probably sounded like gibberish. She stopped speaking all together and just cried, trying to breath in deeply every now and then.