Ophelia

[Lachlan Creevey]

Dearest Ophelia,

I miss you, gorgeous! There's really no other way to put it. Hogwarts will never be the same without you – unless, of course, you come back as a Professor, which would be my dream come true, but something tells me you're far too cool for that sort of thing. Am I right or am I right?

Love, 
Lachlan

[Ophelia Lancaster]

Dearest Lachlan,

I miss you too, sexy! My day is infinitely dimmer now that I don't see your gorgeous face everyday. You need to take a picture of yourself and send it to me so I can at least glance at it once in a while.

I'm too cool for school, sorry! I don't think Hogwarts could handle me as a Professor of anything.

Anyways, how are you?

Lots of love,
Ophelia xoxo

[Lachlan Creevey]

Dearest Ophelia,

Aw, my heart just soared a little bit there! You're the best and I'm lost without you, babe. The picture thing might just work now that I think about it. I'll get Cassie to take one of me sometime, she's basically the only one who'll understand our dilemma here.

Fair enough! But just imagine how much more interesting History of Magic potentially could be if you taught it. JUST IMAGINE.

I'm doing alright! Nothing special going on, though everyone around me seems to be freaking out about how this is our last year at Hogwarts and how we should make the most of it and I frankly couldn't care less because that's basically what I've been doing for the past six years... Whoops. You know me, always showing up to the party early. Or late. Not sure which one applies in this situation.

What about you? Anything exciting going on in the "real world"?

Love,
Lachlan

[Ophelia Lancaster]

Dearest Lachlan,

Of course it did! I'm just fab at writing heartfelt sentences. I'm there with you in spirit, Lachlan. I'm there with you in spirit. Tell Cassie to hurry up and pretty please because my achy breaky heart is beginning to fall apart which is a total dilemma!

But I'd actually have to learn about History of Magic to teach it in the first place and that's painstaking in itself because, hello, it's History of Magic which is bloody terrible!

Of course you're ahead of them in living life in the bestest way possible. You're Lachlan Creevey and you wouldn't be you if you weren't making the most of your entire schooling life! Tell them to get their arses into gear.

I got a job working as a journalist... but on my days off I mostly watch Star Wars and wear my pyjamas and drink milk from the carton. It's really boring not being in school. Oh! And I'm ignoring Heath at the moment (which is hard because we work at the same place) because he decided to give me a Star Wars Intervention. He had a banner and everything. Bitch.

Love,
Ophelia

[Lachlan Creevey]

Dearest Ophelia,

Spirit doesn't even count, though! That's not fair. Oh man, but to find Cassie I'd have to actually get up and make my way to the girls' dormitory, which is a terribly horrific place at times, I tell you. But you probably know all about it, so I won't tell you. AT LEAST YOUR YEAR WASN'T AS INSANE AS MINE. We are thoroughly out of control. Untameable, even. Is that a word? Untameable? Whatever.

Makes sense. I wouldn't want to learn History of Magic ever for the rest of time.

You're right, I should tell them to get their arses into gear! I really needed to hear that. You're the best, actually. You're the only one who understands me!!! etc. etc. Please come back? Okay, don't come back because we've already been over how that's not possible, but we should at least chill sometime soon? I have no problem sneaking out to Diagon Alley sometime.

That's so cool! I mean, I don't think I would be able to do it... What do you even have to do as a journalist? Write the stories your boss tells you to? Yeah, I'm not feeling that. But I'm totally happy for you. You've got that sexy journalist vibe going on. Heath, like the Macmillan bloke? The one that you wanted to make jealous that one time I think he's intervening with your fun because he needs to have some fun of his own. He seems uptight. Maybe you should get him drunk? That never fails, I promise.

Love,
Lachlan

[Ophelia Lancaster]

Dear Lachlan (dearest was getting too stuffy and polite for me!)

Don't tell that to the Hogwarts ghosts! Unless you want to peeve off Peeves... actually, you probably wouldn't peeve him off by saying that. I just wanted to make that joke, haha. Send her an owl! Nice and simple! That's what I always used to do when I couldn't be arsed to get up and ask a favour. That, or I'd scream until a firstie checked in on me and then paid them like a galleon to deliver a message. First years are great! They're like you're own personal mailman. How would you even know about the girl's dormitories? Boy's can't even get in them! And that's true. My year was pretty good. We didn't have any teen pregnancies, or student-teacher relationships, or people getting expelled. We were top notch. Untameable could be a word. Just make it your bitch.

History of Magic sucks.

You should get a whip to scare them into getting their arses into gear if they don't listen at first. I am the best, thank you!! Finally someone who acknowledges this fact and doesn't just roll their eyes. Thank goodness! We can totally chill. Let's go to Diagon Alley. Ohhh, I can even break the law and buy you a firewhiskey! Unless you want to ruin my fun by telling me you're already 17 and you can buy your own drinks.

Yeah, basically. My boss tells me what to do sometimes and other times I come up with ideas and present them to her and stuff. I do, don't I? Now I just need to start wearing sexy journalist glasses and get the whole business-woman attire going. Yeah, Heath Macmillan. Douche. He's so uptight! I've tried to get him drunk on numerous occasions but he always refuses. I think he thinks I'd take advantage of him drunk which is totally ridiculous.

Love,
Ophelia

[Lachlan Creevey]

Dear Ophelia, (Good call!)

You’re a keeper. I can’t believe I never thought of that?!?! You’re totally right, though, first years can be used for stuff like that. HAH, don’t even start with me, Lancaster, I’ll bet you my life earnings (which admittedly are zero, but I can’t be bothered to think of something else to bet) that I’ve seen more of the Gryffindor girls’ dormitories than you have. They’ve gotten quite boring at this point, really. Insert fancy quote here about how too much of a good thing can turn out to be a bad thing, you feel me? And hold on, student-teacher relationships? Mind giving me the 101 here? Feeling a bit out of the loop. Yes, my year is rather untameable, but I’m proud of us nonetheless.

Just like Professor Hawthorne sucks. He’s not even that good looking? Please reassure me that you didn’t find him as fit as every other girl at this school seems to. I just don’t get it?

I am already seventeen, but we can pretend like I’m not just for the thrill? I’m sure you’d be ace at breaking the law and feeling extra badass. Let’s do it. When are you free?

Oh, I see. Is your boss alright to get along with or not? Check yes to sexy journalist glasses, you’d definitely rock those like no tomorrow. I don’t know too much about Macmillan other than what you’ve told me about him, but frankly I don’t understand what his deal is? Why wouldn’t he want to get drunk with you? You’re lovely. Ignore him completely, then? Although playing hard to get might backfire on you, not going to lie...

Love,
Lachlan

[Ophelia Lancaster]

Dear Lachlan, (my calls are always the best!)

I actually favour the position of seeker in a game of Quidditch, hahahaha. First years aren't there to learn at all, they're there to do our bidding. They're like oompa loompas but instead of working in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, they work for older students. No way! How did you even get into them to start off with? Do I feel you? Why, I'd love to feel you. I AM ON FIRE TODAY. You know, when students and teachers enter a romantic liaison. Except that's only in books and cheesy tv shows, never at Hogwarts.

Why? Why do you use words that are so easy to turn into sexual advances? He's pretty fit but not as fit as Professor Hewer. He was right sexy.

Let's pretend, yes! I'm ace at everything so no doubt I'd be ace at that as well. I'm free next weekend, I think!

My boss is pretty badass. I'm going to go buy some then! And wear them everywhere. Just so people could see I'm a sexy journalist and that I'm even more awesome than usual. I don't get what his deal is either besides going around and ruining new adults lives! I am lovely, aren't I? I'm great to drink with as well! Do you have experience with playing hard to get? I might need a Yoda to master this playing hard to get art.

Love,
Ophelia

[Lachlan Creevey]

Dear Ophelia,

Good one! I can’t play Quidditch for shit so I salute you on that. I have no idea who Willy Wonka is and why he has a chocolate factory (Is that a real place that exists??? If so, we should totally hit it up) but that makes sense. Although I have this feeling that if I sent up a first year to the seventh year girls’ dorm to deliver a message, that first year would consequently be scarred for life. But whatever, not my problem. Babe, you can feel me whenever you want to. Oh, and isn’t that sort of student-teacher thing illegal somehow?

Get your mind out of the gutter, Lancaster! Professor Hewer is my brother for life - I’m not positive whether I was dreaming or high or both when this happened, but I distinctly remember a time when I went up to his office and started crying about something stupid and he just really calmly gave me a beer? Yeah, maybe that was a dream, actually, but it was the best ever. Love that guy, except when he's forced to give me detentions.

Alright, I can meet you on Saturday, then? Just name a place and I'm yours.

Make sure you send me a picture of them! Or just wear them next weekend. Excellent plan. This Macmillan character sounds too serious for his own good, you’ve got to do something about that or I’m going to be second-hand stressed for the rest of my life that you failed at making him loosen up. YOU CANNOT FAIL THIS MISSION. I can't tell a lie, though - I don’t think I’ve ever played hard to get... I think I’ve just played. In general. I can teach you how to do that?

Love,
Lachlan

[Ophelia Lancaster]

Dear Lachlan,

I know, right?! I'm on fire today. Willy Wonka's awesome! I can't believe you don't know who he is. I'm going to have to show you the movies now. (It's not a real place... I wish it was though!!) That's true... you lot are pretty damn scary! That makes me happy, knowing I'm allowed to feel you up whenever. It is illegal, yeah, but I can't blame any of the students for trying to start a relationship with the Professors. They're all pretty fit!

It's in my head, not the gutter. Gosh, Lachlan! Professor Hewer is awesome. He used to give me chocolate whenever I was sent to his office... and I think that was actually reality. I mean, why wouldn't he give you a beer? Though I see him as more of a whiskey kind of guy. He's all class. Blow him a kiss for me, yeah?

Let's go to a strip club You decide!

I'll wear them next weekend and look really sexy so you'll just drool over me the entire day. That sounds like fun! And he is too serious... once I start talking to him and he apologises, I'm going to force him to come out and have a beer with me... or if he refuses to come out, I'll guilt him into having beer. Sounds like an excellent plan. I WON'T FAIL, OBI-WAN KENOBI. I WON'T. Teach me how to play hard to get, please!

Love,
Ophelia

[Lachlan Creevey]

Dear Ophelia,

Not literal fire, I hope? Apologies that I don’t know who he is, but if you like him then he must me a mighty cool guy. We’ll have to watch those movies sometime. (Oh, and Stars Wars too! I haven’t forgotten about that.)

Wherever it is! I agree though, Hewer is the man. Yeah, I get you - I’ll have to ask him the next time he’s forced to give me a detention whether her prefers whiskey or beer.

For once I’m totally blanking on ideas... where do you want to go? Your wish is my command.

Sounds like a plan! How’re you going to get him to apologize? Either way, that’s a win-win situation for you - I’m proud of you for coming up with that ruse. It’s failproof. We can talk about how to play hard to get on Saturday, promise.

Love,
Lachlan

P.S. Sorry this letter is so short compared to yours, Peter and Nikolai are being prats and dragging me to the common room for now!

[Ophelia Lancaster]

Lachlan,

No, not literal fire. Though some people do compare my hair to fire? He's not a real, actual person (though if he was that would be AWESOME) but a fictional character... but he is mighty awesome. We will! You should come over to mine and we can have a big ol' marathon.

Ask him and tell me what he prefers... and definitely still blow him a kiss from me, okay?

Oh, I do like hearing that someone's willing to bend at my will! We can go to honeydukes? I'm craving sugar.

I ended up caving. I just sent him a letter... and I really shouldn't have done that! I kind of just flew off the handle and told him that I was going to go snog another guy because he doesn't care and he can go kiss Ria and have fun. That was bad, wasn't it? That was really bad. I don't think I'm playing hard to get any more.

Love,
Ophelia

P.S. Give them a kiss for me!

[Lachlan Creevey]

Ophelia,

I agree with them, to be honest. Your hair is a very nice fiery color. Ohhhhhh, I see. You should have told me that earlier! I’ve been stuck thinking that he’s a real person who exists somewhere... but alright, sounds excellent!

Will do, gorgeous.

Honeydukes, yes good! And then whatever you want, we’ve got all day.

Wait wait, repeat that? You told him you were going to snog another guy? These are all warning signs Why, though? D’you fancy this guy that much? No, it’s not bad, necessarily, but I’m just not too sure what approach you’re going for anymore.

Love,
Lachlan

P.S. You should’ve seen their faces when I read that line out loud. They wouldn’t let me come near them.

[Ophelia Lancaster]

Lachlan,

I know. My hair's lovely! And it shall be extremely, fantastically brilliant!

Whatever I want? Because I've always been super keen to go see a stripper!

I don't know... I have no idea why I said that. He was frustrating me. He always frustrates me. I'm not going for any approach, I'm just winging it. Which is bad. I do fancy him though. A lot. Like a lot a lot.

Love,
Ophelia

P.S. TAKE A PICTURE. I think you should always carry a camera around now. To bring a little joy into my life by watching people's reactions!

[Lachlan Creevey]

Ophelia,

SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING THIS IS THE GREATEST IDEA THAT EITHER OF US HAVE EVER COME UP WITH

That being said, we're going to a strip club, period. I bet you that it'll easily solve all your problems!

Love,
Lachlan