sluttyknickers / ALBUS

[Dominique Weasley]

Sluttyknickers,

I haven't heard from you all summer. I'm assuming that you've been too busy trying desperately to get into every female who isn't related to you's pants to drop me a line, but that excuse is absolutely not acceptable. You can no longer use the slut excuse. The slut excuse is officially banned.

Anyways, come the fuck over to shell cottage sometime soon, okay? I need someone to bully and you'd suit perfectly. So stop trying to get into whoever's pants and get your act together to visit your darling cousin who is your most favourite ever due to her loveliness, her talent, her beauty and charm.

Dominique

P.S. Can't wait for Gryffindor to beat Slytherin in Quidditch. You may as well all just give up now because there's no way you'll beat us.

[Albus Potter]

That's a new one, Dom. I actually like it. I think I'll get it printed on a shirt.

Ah, but you assume correctly. I can't help it that the ladies flock towards me. I think you're just jealous because the boys tend to steer clear of you. Last summer you said the slut excuse was banned and, yet, I still used it. The slut excuse will live forever.

Can't you bully your brother or some crab on the shore? Go steal some of Louis' socks.

- Albus

P.S. Aren't you cute.

[Dominique Weasley]

You should get it printed on your knickers, so if anyone ventures anywhere near them they'll stop and think about what exactly they're doing. I can't imagine why anyone would venture near your dick, but, you know. You're probably a last resort.

Ha! Flock towards you. That's funny. In your dreams, Potter. And please, can we just not. Let's not. Because we both know that I'm more popular with the guys than you are with the girls and it's sort of embarassing to be so brilliant all the time. So just shut the fuck up and stop making me laugh at how deluded you are. And I am going to destroy the slut excuse. Every time you use it I'm going to punch you really hard.

Louis is no fun anymore, and I already have his socks. Get over here so I can be a cunt to you.

Dominique

P.S. Wait and see how cute I am when I knock you off your broom.

[Albus Potter]

No, I prefer the knickers that say "study buddy" on them. But that was really sweet of you to suggest it! Why wouldn't girls venture near my dick? It's a fine dick - receives lots of compliments and blowjobs. I couldn't care less if I'm a last resort, but I know I'm not. If I were, the girls wouldn't beg for more.

You're only popular in theory, Dom. Guys are afraid of you, which is why you're talked about. Besides, they want a girl with a vag - not a girl with a dick. You just don't meet their fantasies.

Whatever. Ban it. I don't give a shit.

I think we should throw water balloons at Louis. How does that sound?

- Al

P.S. I'd like to see you try.

[Dominique Weasley]

Oh, I've heard people talk about your dick, cousin - I've protested when girls start talking about it, but I still hear the stories! Apparently it's very small. And every girl I know who's shagged you says you're shit in bed, so why in the name of Merlin would they beg for more?

Yeah, they may all be pussies, but if I waltzed around the school with a sign saying "fuck me" almost any guy in the school would be willing. Not that I'd go near the vast majority of them. They're so pathetic. And please, cousin darling, I hear people go on about me supposedly having a penis all the bloody time. Be original, why don't you?

It's banned. Deal with it.

There's the cousin I know and sometimes deign to spend time with! Good plan.

Dominique

P.S. I don't try. I do.

[Albus Potter]

The only thing that's small about my dick is - oh yeah: nothing! They must be referring to your brother's dick. Did it ever occur to you that maybe those girls were the ones who were shit, but were embarrassed to admit it so they blamed it on me? C'mon, cuz, give me the benefit of the doubt. I'm your favorite.

Okay. Touche. That's a good point. But maybe not because they might think you're break their dick if you rode them too hard, or that maybe you've got teeth up there.

I am fucking dealing with it. There's nothing to deal about.

Let's do this! I'll be over soon.

- Al

P.S. I know you do fall off your broom.

[Dominique Weasley]

Oh my god. Louis Weasley and Albus Potter sound nothing alike, you idiot! Of course they were referring to your dick when they said, and I quote, "Albus Potter has a small dick". It couldn't have been anyone else. What other Albus Potter do you know? Did it ever occur to you that you're shit at everything and you just blame other people for your shitiness because you're embarassed by your own existence? And you are absolutely not my favourite.

It'd be funny if I did break someone's dick, though. You have to admit that. It would take my scariness to a whole new level, which would be delightful.

If there's nothing to deal about, then how are you dealing?

Bring the water balloons!

Dominique

P.S. Do you know that I'll destroy you as well? Because I will.

[Albus Potter]

Do I even need to come over? You're doing a great job being a cunt through letters.

It would be funny if you broke a dick, actually. That may be my challenge for you this year.

I'm dealing by being a slut. You can ban the excuse, but you can't ban the man.

All I've got is a plethora of condoms. Will those do?

- Al

P.S. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm quivering with fear.