LACHLAN

[Lorcan Scamander]

Lachlan,

Are you dead?

___ x here if you are.

___ x here if you're not.

Lorcan

[Lachlan Creevey]

Dear Lorcan,

Well good afternoon to you, too, gorgeous!

I'm still alive, man, but barely. You know how sometimes people are intoxicated but still coherent? That's me right now, even though I'm not intoxicated on what you may think I'm intoxicated on. This time I'm intoxicated by sudden bursts of sadness. But obviously I'm still coherent enough to write back to you, so there's that.

Love,
Lachlan

[Lorcan Scamander]

Lachlan,

Gorgeous? Look, I'll tell you the same thing I told Ricky - I don't take my clothes off for free, so if you think flattering me with comments of beautifulness will get my clothes off, you're wrong. But you're not too bad yourself, mate.

Sad? SAD? What is this? Why. No. We can't be sad because when you're sad, I'm sad, and I can't do sad. It's not me - it's like watching a dog walk on its hind legs or something.

Come on wanker. Let's fix this sadness crap.


xxxx,
Lorcan

[Lachlan Creevey]

Lorcan,

Bitch, I don't owe you any money. There will probably come a time in your life when you'll be graced with the realization that it's you that wants to see me with all my clothes off, not the other way around. Besides, I never implied that you should pull a strip show for me. I was just complimenting your obvious good looks, mate. Damn. Everyone seems to misunderstand me these days.

You sound surprised! Have I never been sad before? Oh, wait, I really haven't... at least not so much that I can remember it. I dunno what's going on with me, actually that's a lie, I definitely do but your assistance would be forever appreciated.

I'm not a wanker, you're a wanker. You should come over to mine sometime because I think your mum's gotten tired of me touching stuff around your house, not to mention that I have reason to believe my dad has concluded that I have no male friends. HELP ME PROVE HIM WRONG.

Love,
Lachlan

[Lorcan Scamander]

LACHLAN,

YOU CAN'T MAKE COMMENTS ABOUT MY BEAUTIFUL BODY THEN NOT OFFER ME ANY MONEY FOR IT. It's wrong and and demeaning. What am I, a piece of meat for you to admire?
Misunderstanding you? Sounds like a bad intro to a muggle song. I didn't misunderstand you, I inferred what you were implying. Yup, that's right. And I look better than you any day of the week.


Unless you're counting that time that you found out Roxanne was dating what's his name, then no. But I thought that randomness had ended? So what's pissing in your morning tea? And don't say you don't know. Of course you know. But I'm good with not talking about it. BUT WHAT CAN WE DO TO FIX IT?

No, YOU are. And your father is right. For a moment there I felt as if you were ignoring me due to the fact that i don't have boobs, but que sera, sera. But really. Mufasa is what - like three months now? I'll come over to check out what a baby looks like and then prove your Pa wrong.


xxxx,
Lorcan




PS: I know i'm in your dreams, and I think it's sweet, really.

[Lachlan Creevey]

LORCAN,

Yes, you are a piece of meat for me to admire. I thought we made that clear years ago? Fuck you forgetting about our friends with benefits agreement. 'Inferred what I was implying'? Wow, way to sound a pretentious little twat in under thirty seconds with the vocabulary. YOUR WORDS DON'T BOTHER ME, YOUR EXISTENCE BOTHERS ME. Let's be real, we could both go and sit in a room full of girls and I will bet you anything that if you took your shirt off and I kept all my clothes on, I would still get more offers for dates than you. But then again, you don't look all that nice shirtless, so I suppose it's a given that the ladies would come to me rather than you.

"What's his name" "What's his name" "What's his name" "WHAT'S HIS NAME" Congratulations, Lorc, that's the quickest I've gone from being happy to hear from you to utterly disgusted with you and your life and your intentions. I HAD ALMOST FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT ROXANNE THING, YOU PRICK, BUT THANKS FOR REMINDING ME. Your loveliness is constantly appreciated, truly. (:

Don't even ask me what we can do to fix it. I'd suggest burning down a few houses or something, but you're practically like, in love with the people that are involved, so you'd definitely say no to that. Oh, and by the people that are involved, I obviously don't mean myself - though it's clear that you are in love with me.

SHUT UP. I'm not even sure, mate, does that make me a terrible brother, or? He could be three months, or maybe four, but I can't be positive. WHY CAN'T I FUCKING REMEMBER HIS BIRTHDAY?! This is bullshit. But yes, come over whenever you want.

Love,
Lachlan

P.S. Babe. You can admit that you want me without making up nonsense about me being in your dreams. I won't mind, I promise.

[Lorcan Scamander]

LACHLAN,

YOU'RE WRONG. LET'S DO THIS. I'LL BE MY NORMAL CHARMING SELF WITHOUT A SHIRT AND YOU JUST BE YOU, LACHLAN WEIRDO CREEVEY AND WE'LL SEE. WE'LL SEE. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Also, it's nice to know how much you really check me out. And you're right, I don't look nice I LOOK AMAZING. So, how long do you spend imagining me without clothes? Because from these letters it seems like quite a while. I knew i was in your dreams. AND YOU'D BE LOST WITHOUT MY EXISTENCE.

MY BAD, SHOULD I KNOW HIS NAME? I HAVEN'T TALKED TO ROXANNE IN AGES! I know he's a Malfoy. Merlin, calm your mind. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE TRYING TO FORGET. YOU NEVER TELL ME THINGS ANY MORE. MERLIN, THIS WHOLE LETTER IS MAKING ME WANT SOME CHOCOLATE. and as stated before, without me, you'd be nothing. I complete you.

In love with you? HA! You're in love with me. This is like the muggle fairy tale - Beauty & the Beast. You need me to become beautiful because you love me and only I[/i] can see your inner beauty. Which better be spectacular, by the way, for me to contend with you.


Who are the people, you're talking cryptic.

Absolutely horrendous brother. So bad, let me tell you. I can tell you the exact MINUTE Lysander was born. But really, aren't months like irrelevant in baby years - or something like that?

Coming over soon, please have food.


xoxo,
Lorcan



P.S: WHY YOU SO OBSESSED WITH ME?

[Lachlan Creevey]

LORCAN,

YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE, MATE. YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE THIS CHALLENGE SO HARD THAT YOU WON'T KNOW HOW TO FUNCTION ANYMORE.

Imagine me giving you the finger precisely now and telling you to fuck off, and you'll have a fairly decent idea of my reaction to that statement. You know me, I spend 24/7 thinking about your naked body. That's all I imagine, really. But too bad I'm BEING SARCASTIC AND NONE OF THIS IS TRUE AT ALL, since I'm sure you'd love for yourself to be present in my dreams. THAT IS FALSE, THOUGH. YOU'RE NOT WORTHY OF BEING IN MY DREAMS, YOU PRICK.

Yeah, the older Malfoy one. I've got nothing against any of the other Malfoys, alright? Just him. He's a complete tosser, but you can never tell Roxanne that I said that. She'd break our friendship for like the fifteenth time. It's getting a bit old to have to patch things up with her every time I say the wrong thing. WE KEEP COMING BACK TO HOW I ALWAYS SAY THE WRONG THING. WHO DO I THINK I AM, A MELODRAMATIC LITTLE BITCH? Help me sort myself out before it's too late, man. I'm so far gone already, it's ridiculous.

I refuse to be the beast in Beauty and the Beast - ha, I got you there, didn't I, because YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D KNOW ABOUT MUGGLE FAIRY TALES, BUT I KNOW ABOUT SOME OF THEM FROM SHIT MY SISTER TELLS ME. Wait, no, scratch that, I think I may have gotten it mixed up. Which one's the ugly one? Obviously someone named "Beauty" is implied to be at least someone attractive, but still, I'm confused.

Dominique Fucking Weasley. Now what? Now what are you going to say? She's like, your favorite. Don't even deny it. Who are you going to chooooooose when it comes down to me or her?!

Go away, I'm tired of reading all the pointless things you've written.

Are you going to whore around to get food from me? Because I can assure you that you won't get any otherwise.

LOTS OF LOVE FROM YOUR MOST ATTRACTIVE FRIEND OF ALL TIME,
Lachlan

P.S. I could ask you the same question. xxx

(OOC - TBH these letters are reminding me a lot of the PMs we send each other - one second it's happy, the next second it's depressing, one second it's all lowercase and then there's SUDDENLY CAPS LOCK OUT OF NOWHERE TO EMPHASIZE POINTS OR MAKE IT SOUND LIKE WE'RE YELLING. hahaha.)

[Lorcan Scamander]

LACHLAN,

I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT. I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY CAT, I'M TOO SEXY YEAH.
YOU'RE GOING DOWN. CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF.

AM I GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE AN ORDER OF PERSONAL PROTECTION TAKEN OUT? YOU SPEND TIME THINKING ABOUT MY NAKED BODY. My Mum always warned me about boys like you.

Wait, there's more than one Malfoy? Where have I been. Oh! The one dating Aggy, right? Which I still don't understand, if i'm being honest. Oh, merlin, get over it. Just feed Rox some chocolate and she'll shut it. Or tell her Gran. I swear, Mrs. Weasley solves all the shit. AND IF YOU JUST SAID WHAT YOU MEANT MORE OFTEN. I'm telling you. But seriously, I don't know how you do it. I thought I had foot in mouth syndrome. You make me feel so much better, mate. And really, stop coding your words. Say them straight.

She's not my favourite, but I love Dom. And don't ask me how to sort things out with Weasley girls. Lucy is still mad at me.

I won't chose, I'll just ponder the function of a rubber duck instead. That sounds much more interesting.

HAHAH. YOU MAD?

See what I mean about you being obsessed? Any excuse to see me naked. Merlin.


I SEE YOU HAVE JOKES.


xoxox,
Your one true love,

LORCAN R. SCAMANDER



PS: I ASKED FIRST.



---


((ooc: These two are like legit my new favourite Bromance. I can't even. And we're such spaz bats.))

[Lachlan Creevey]

LORCAN,

HOW CAN YOU BE TOO SEXY FOR YOUR CAT? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? ARE YOU DERANGED? NO, WAIT, DON'T BOTHER RESPONDING TO THAT, BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER.

My mum always warned me about - oh wait, she didn't warn me about anything. Just threw me out into the world as if I already had most basic knowledge grasped in my mind. Classic.

Yeah, the younger one is dating Aggy, and I don't get it either. I mean, it's Aggy, so I'm guessing the guy can't be all that brooding? At least not while he's with Aggy. WHATEVER, I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THEM, AS LONG AS AGGY'S HAPPY. SHE'S SUCH A SWEETHEART. LOVELY GIRL. I gave Roxanne chocolates for her birthday, you dipshit. Does that count as 'feeding her chocolate'? Also, fuck you and your near perfect romantic life. At least you've only got one Weasley girl after your blood, but soon they're all going to be after me. And not in the way I'd prefer for them to be after me, either.

Okay but WHY DO ALL THE GIRLS IN OUR YEAR THINK THAT I'M THE BIGGEST WIMP OF ALL TIME WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CHOOSES TO CONTEMPLATE RUBBER DUCKS IN ORDER TO AVOID CONFLICT? What. Is. Logic. I'm going to fucking kill you in your sleep one day and you can't even be mad about it because you've known all these years that it was coming.

Your amusement at my pains is pointless and unnecessary.

Well, it's either that or talking about my problems, so I'd go with getting you to take your clothes off over that any day. Besides, I thought you wanted food?

I SEE YOU'RE A DUMBARSE. NOTHING NEW THERE.

Your soulmate,
Lachlan xoxo

P.S. No one cares.

P.P.S. You're such a girl. "xoxo" like every time? We're hopeless. There's literally nothing left for us in this world. AT THIS RATE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET LAID FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF FOREVER.

(OOC - OH MY GOD, same. everyone else can pack up and go home because these two take all the awards, haha. THEY ARE BASICALLY COPYING THE STYLE OF MOST OF THE CONVERSATIONS THAT YOU AND I HAVE, I CAN'T.)

[Lorcan Scamander]

LACHLAN,

YOU KNOW NOTHING BUT LIES. MISFIT AND I HAVE A VERY GOOD RELATIONSHIP. HE LOVES AND UNDERSTANDS ME. UNCONDITIONALLY. WHY CAN'T YOU DO THE SAME?

You poor thing. Want me to make you a warm milk bottle to make up for it?

Too be quite honest i don't understand why Aggy or Roxanne, for that matter, are dating Malfoys. They're both sweet and kind, beautiful - and the Malfoys aren't very nice. Mum says that their dad was a real pain in the arse. AND ROXANNE SHUT UP, DIDN'T SHE? Told you. Each Weasley girl has a tell - you know, a give away. Lucy bites her nails - and when she's pissed she gnaws on her bottom lip. If you ever see that shit, run.

THEY'RE ALL GOING TO BE AFTER YOU? WHAT DID YOU DO? TRY TO SEDUCE LILY OR KOTA OR SOMETHING? And near perfect romantic life? Hello, last girlfriend I had tried to kill herself. says a lot about me, right?

WHEN I DIE A COPY OF THIS LETTER WILL BE HANDED OVER TO ROSE'S MUM TO INVESTIGATE MY DEATH AND HAVE YOU ARRESTED. I NOW HAVE PROOF. I KNOW WHO KILLED ME. AND DON'T HATE.

GIRLS LIKE ME, GET OVER IT. PERHAPS IT'S BECAUSE I'M BEAUTIFUL - AND YOU ARE BEASTLY. Plus, I run with wild animals. Ever taken on an angry threstal?

I SPEAK NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.


You really want to see my body, don't you? Wave food, then drop the bomb in demand that I drop my trousers. I can't believe how you'd use me this way. I feel cheap.

ONCE AGAIN,
YOU MAD!


XOXO
Your delicious letters.


PS: YOU OBVIOUSLY DO.

PSS: I do it just in case your dad finds these letters and gives him even a bigger theory to explore as to why all your friends are female.



--

((ooc: Their whole conversation is just perfect. I can't deal with it. I CAN'T DEAL. 911.))

[Lachlan Creevey]

LORCAN,

MISFIT IS A LITTLE BITCH WHO ATTACKED ME, QUITE VIOLENTLY, I MAY ADD, THE LAST TIME I WAS OVER AT YOUR PLACE. I HATE THAT FUCKING CAT. YOU CAN BOTH GO TO HELL.

Wouldn't that take away from the resources of warm milk that your cat requires? Just saying.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. Aggy, I sort of understand because I don't know much about The Middle Malfoy, but what Roxanne feels for The-One-Whose-Name-I-Dare-Not-Say is questionable because I know what he's like. I mean, her feelings for him aren't questionable, because I know her and I know that when she cares for someone, she cares fiercely about them, but WHY DOES SHE CARE ABOUT HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE?! I don't understand what he ever did that I didn't. Or what he did right that I did wrong. Fuck this. Next time I see you, I'm going to shove a shitload of chocolate into the general direction of your face and test my prediction that it'll make you shut up too. That sound good? Lovely.

Oh, and I usually run in the other direction anyways upon seeing Lucy. Wow fuck you, LILY'S LIKE, TWELVE YEARS OLD, OKAY. SAME GOES FOR DAKOTA. I wouldn't stoop that low. Dude, you can't assume that she tried to kill herself because of something that you did. You seriously have to stop stressing about that one before I end up slapping you, because I will and you know it.

Who, Hermione Weasley? Are you honestly insane? My fucking dad works with her, alright, I'm sure he wouldn't leave me to a life sentence in Azkaban without fighting to prove my innocence. You're so dumb.

No, I'm afraid I must break it to you that I have better things to do in my spare time than WRESTLE ANGRY THESTRALS. What do you take me for? I'm sure you'll be disappointed to hear that, but it's true. We must conduct our bonding sessions over something other than the creatures you're so obsessed with, because I just can't. I CAN'T, LORCAN. DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? I. CANNOT. Whoops, sorry, I think I just encountered some breathing problems there because you're such an annoying little shit - why are we even friends? - but don't worry, I'm still alive and well and everything's back to normal. This shall allow me to continue writing pointlessly to you when YOU COULD HAVE SPENT THE TIME IT TOOK YOU TO SEND THESE LAST COUPLE OF LETTERS TO BE COMING OVER TO MY FUCKING HOUSE INSTEAD, BITCH.

Okay, I'm calm again. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, the irrelevant lies that I would like to see you naked. Yes, I did offer you food in exchange for the removal of clothes, but that DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN ANYTHING. You're just delusional. If you want it that badly, then tell me instead of continuously making such a fool of yourself. Merlin.

Once again, you're a moron.

xoxo
Lachlan Motherfucking Creevey

P.S. NO I DON'T.

P.P.S. Did you just call me gay?

(OOC - I'm dead and gone omfg someone heLP ME)

[Lorcan Scamander]

LACHLAN,


AWE HELL NAW. YOU TAKE THAT BACK. MISFIT IS BETTER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE. HATING ON A POOR DEFENCELESS CAT. YOU'RE A BULLY. NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER MISFIT IS GOING TO SLICE YOU A NEW ONE.

Nope, you're not worth it.

The-ones-whose-name-i-dare-not-say damn, that's a mouth full. I don't really know that Malfoy, but from what you say he's an arse. And I don't know what she seems in him. How the fuck do I know? I don't know what the girls that venture near you see in you. S'pose she seems something though? I mean, she'd have to right? I don't know know, mate, I don't know. WHY NOT ASK HER?! Can you make sure it's milk chocolate? Preferably chocolate frogs, please?

WELL, WHY ELSE WOULD ALL THE WEASLEY GIRLS WANT YOUR BLOOD? WHAT DID YOU DO NOW? COME AT ME BRO. But seriously, how the hell was I suppose to know that she was going to try and kill herself? Bit overboard, isn't it?

AND YES, Mrs. Weasley loves me. She and mum go way back. She'd miss me dearly.

YOU ARE CONFUSING ME WITH LYSANDER. I AM NOT OBSESSED WITH CREATURES, I JUST KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM SO F U. I'M A BETTER FRIEND THAN YOU'LL EVER BE. I SHOULD BE MY OWN FRIEND.

AND I SAID I'D COME OVER AS SOON AS YOU PREPARED FOOD.

Irrelevant lies? Half truths on your end. After all, if you give wind to a rumor the "lie" becomes the truth to those who hold it. SO YOU LOVE ME AND WANT ME NAKED.


So obsessed, YOU NEED HELP.


XOXO

mine is bigger - as expected.


-LORCAN



PS: YES YOU DO.
PPS: INFER WHAT I IMPLIED; LOGIC.


----

((ooc: I LOVE THIS SO MUCH))

[Lachlan Creevey]

LORCAN,

GO HOME, MOTHERFUCKER. GO HOME AND TEND TO YOUR CAT AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT POSSIBLY DOING SOMETHING WORTHWHILE WITH YOUR TIME.

You must be new here. I’m always worth it.

Girls that venture near me see plenty of things, but I’m sure you wouldn’t recognize the feeling because the last girl who doesn’t happen to be your friend I saw venture near you was like, that fourth year in your house. C’mon, man, you have to step up your game soon or I don’t think I can stay friends with you. Oh, and YOU DON’T GET TO DECIDE WHAT TYPE OF CHOCOLATE I SHOVE INTO YOUR FACE. That’s up to me. Bitch.

I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. WELL I THEY’RE JUST LOOKING FOR EXCUSES. That’s exactly it – there was no way you could have known that she was that messed up. Basically it’s not your fault. SO FORGET ABOUT IT, WOULD YOU? FOR THE SAKE OF MY SANITY.

Stop kidding yourself. No one would miss you.

WHATEVER, OKAY. WHY ARE YOU BRINGING UP THESTRALS IN CASUAL CONVERSATION, THEN? I’D SAY YOU’RE PRETTY OBSESSED. AND SPEAKING OF WHICH, I’D CHOOSE LYSANDER OVER YOU ANY DAY. YOU’RE SO USELESS.

But I can’t make food to save my life, so you can come raid the fridge when you get here and see if there’s anything you can work with.

I have no idea what any of that means. Again, you’re just trying so hard with the vocabulary, it’s making you look pretentious. Reason #234235435465 why you can’t seem to get laid. Add it to the list.

GO AWAY.

XOXO
Yours will never be bigger. In any circumstance. Ever.

Lachlan

P.S. NO, I REALLY DON’T.

P.P.S. So you did just imply that I’m gay? Wow, how gorgeous of you.

[Lorcan Scamander]

LACHLAN

MY CAT IS BETTER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE. DON'T BE MAD, EMBRACE IT. DON'T TALK ABOUT MISFIT. TAKE IT BACK YOU, TOSSER! I do something worth wild with my life every day. I have a job now! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?

LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR DECISIONS!

Hahahaha. NO.

You and your relationships with girls. TOO EASY. and fuck off. Alright. Girls love me. I'm adorable. FINE DON'T SHOVE WHITE CHOCOLATE, MILK CHOCOLATE, OR DARK CHOCOLATE DOWN MY THROAT. I HATE ALL OF THOSE. GOT THAT?!

I'M GOING TO SAY THAT THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY THE TRUTH, YOU'RE CROSSING THINGS OUT. It's not that easy to forget though, mate. You just don't understand. But it's all good. I think. She's alive and all.

I've picked up some skills from watching Mrs. Jordan the last few days, I'll see what I can make. I really want some chips, or even crisps. I'm just hungry, dude. Just hungry.

YOU'D MISS ME SO MUCH. YOU'D CRY EVERY DAY. DON'T LIE.

I'M USELESS?! TAKE THAT BACK YOU LONG HAIRED SISSY! I'M BADASS.

When was the last time you were laid? AND I'M SPEAKING ENGLISH. FOLLOW THE BOUNCING RED BALL ACROSS THE PARCHMENT AND YOU'LL BE ABLE TO READ IT, COMPUTE, AND UNDERSTAND!

STOP STALKING ME.


XOXO
YOU'RE SO MAD. SO JEALOUS.


Lorcan


PS: DENIAL IS NOT JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT.
PSS: DID YOU JUST ANSWER YOUR OWN QUESTION? SLOW CLAP FOR YOU.