ATTENTION: cassandra lewis

[Lachlan Creevey]

DEAREST CASSANDRA,

It's almost three days into Easter holidays and I have not been drunk even once. Not even a bit tipsy. Not even 'Oh, I've had one drink and everything feels warm already' tipsy. This is a disgrace and I'm quite ashamed to be admitting it to my best friend, but since I am writing to you, it's probably safe to assume that I require your assistance in this matter.

Please reply in a timely fashion, otherwise I'll have to come to the conclusion that you're too busy shagging Potter to talk to me.

LOVE,
LACHLAN

[Cassie Lewis]

WHADDUP. And, really? Cassandra? My mother saw the start of this letter and started shouting for my Dad to come and see who was "courting dearest Cassandra". Luckily, I snatched it out of her hand before she could start planning a wedding. Yes, my mother has problems. 

Good Godric, what's wrong with you? You know that you can't get pregnant, right? Because the only excuse I'd accept for such a horrifying transgression is protecting innocent life from deformity due to alcohol in the womb. I see that you clearly need some assistance in this matter - not to worry, I will help you with this, because Merlin forbid that Lachlan Creevey remain sober for the entirety of a holiday. 

You have an unhealthy obsession with your friends' sex lives, you know that, right? One of these days, someone is actually going to give you an in-depth recount of their sexual endeavours, I hope you realise. 

LOVE,
CASSIE XOXO

[Lachlan Creevey]

CASSANDRAAAA,

Are you propositioning me by informing me of your mother's actions in regards to our relationship? I feel like I'm being propositioned here, correct me if I'm mistaken? I always knew this day would come. Bless you and your mother, but your mother especially. At least SOMEONE sees the light at the end of the tunnel. Ooooh I did that thing where you use those stupid old metaphor things in a sentence - I bet you're jealous

Okay, good. Not even going to bother commenting on how pretentious you sound in your letter saying that you'll help me, but you've probably gotten that from me as well. I seem to have that effect on people.

WAIT SO YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH HIM?!? MERLIN FORBID AGHHH I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT BUT MOREOVER SOMEONE ALERT THE MEDIA BECAUSE POTTER ISN'T A VIRGIN

NOT SIGNED WITH LOVE BECAUSE YOU'RE ENGAGING IN SEXUAL ACTIVITIES WITH THE ELDEST POTTER CHILD,
LACHLAN

[Cassie Lewis]

LACHLAAAAAAAAAAAAN,

Good Godric. LACHLAN. You are not drunk yet and therefore there is absolutely no good reason whatsoever to be discussing a possible propositioning of you. You always knew this day would come? Do you spend all of HoM imagining your friends propositioning you? Because that isn't healthy. Bless my mother? Light at the end of the tunnel? Are you sure you're not drunk? fuck you now i can't think of a metaphor shut up

Yes, let's blame you. I'm sure I sounded normal before I allowed you to influence me. Oh woe is my life. 

I DIDN'T SAY THAT! WHEN DID I SAY THAT WE WERE HAVING SEX? Not saying we aren't I WAS MORE ASSUMING THAT A DIFFERENT MUTUAL FRIEND WOULD TELL YOU, LIKE - WHO THE FUCK DO WE KNOW THAT'S HAVING REGULAR SEX? Rose? No, I don't think they're shagging yet, she'd have mentioned it if it got serious. Aggy? Why do you think he's a virgin, anyway?

YOU'VE NEVER HAD AN ISSUE WITH THIS BEFORE! YOU HAVE SEEN ME PARTAKE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITIES WITH HIM OHMYGODRIC. WHATEVER, I'LL BE THE BIGGER PERSON HERE AND:
SIGNED WITH LOTS OF LOVE,
CASSIE

[Lachlan Creevey]

Cassandra, [things are getting serious so I refuse to entertain you with the likes of your name in capital letters]

Correction: I don't spend all of HoM thinking about it, babe, because I never go to HoM. Oh look. GOT YOU.

Yeah yeah be all melodramatic. It's the only thing you're good at.

Okay you're getting much too defensive for this to actually be a joke, so I'm just going to assume from here on out that you're either a) having sex or b) not having sex. It's a tough world when I have to choose between the two since you're being so difficult, but alas, nothing can be done about your insubordinate behavior. What if I get you to admit to losing your virginity when you're drunk UNLESS you haven't lost it yet oooooh paradox except not really

I DON'T KNOW. Actually, this could be a fun game. Yeah, Cass, let's play the "who in the Gryffindor girls' dorms has regular sex and you'd better tell me because I'm curious now or else I'll kill your unborn children" game. You go first.

GROSS AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT IT EVER AGAIN,
Lachlan

P.S. I THINK HE'S A VIRGIN BECAUSE LET'S BE REAL, IT'S POTTER. THAT'S ALL I'M GOING TO SAY.

[Cassie Lewis]

Lachlan [it's a shame that your name sounds less foreboding than mine. We ought to do something about that]

Fine, let me amend my statement: Do you spend all the time that you're meant to be in HoM imagining that?

I'm good at plenty. You're just jealous that I'm melodramatic, smart and gorgeous. Oh, and good at Quidditch. Don't tell Dom I forgot that. 

My insubordinate behaviour triumphs. Yippee. Poor Lachie, having to choose between two options - here's some encouragement, there's only a 50 % chance you'll be wrong! I think I need to be drunk to have this conversation with you

Nobody ever wins this game, though, because I know more about the sex lives but you catch me up with your talent at murdering unborn children! By the way, you get to explain to my future husband why I have negative 37 children. 

Er. Grey has regular sex. It's the reason she's never in the dorm. Which is gross, now that I think about it. Your turn!

YOU LOVE ME,
Cassie

P.S. I AM QUITE CERTAIN HE ISN'T A VIRGIN. BY THE WAY, AT SOME POINT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DISCUSS WHY YOU'RE SO QUICK TO ASSAULT HIS MASCULINITY. 

[Lachlan Creevey]

Cassandra, [It’s lovely that you bring this up, actually, as lately I’ve been seriously contemplating changing my name to Mufasa Creevey. Thoughts?]

Correction: I’m never meant to be in HoM. Pretty sure I was supposed to go to a one-on-one meeting with Hawthorne [that sounds really gay but it WASN’T LIKE THAT I SWEAR] to discuss whether or not I’m taking his class “seriously” or some shit, but I ditched so I guess I haven’t gotten kicked out of his class just yet but I'm also not a part of the class anymore either? It's all very jumbled up. Anything else?

Wow, now you’re just pushing it. Especially with the “smart” and “gorgeous” nonsense. We need to get you checked up for possible brain damage. Have you done anything too stimulating lately that would have caused this sort of mental instability? Biiiig words for biiiig kids. D’you think you can you keep up???

DON’T CALL ME LACHIE. Only good old Dennis is allowed to call me that. And don’t talk mathematics with me, it hurts my head.

WAIT HOLD THE FUCK UP. You’re getting married?!?! TO POTTER?! HOW ABOUT NO.

Ew, of all people, you bring up Grey? Not even sure that she counts as a real dorm member. My turn? We never agreed to talking about the sex lives of the occupants of the male dormitories. Sucks to be you.

NO I REALLY DON’T,
Lachlan

P.S. THERE IS NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT BECAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY MASCULINITY THAT REQUIRES IMMEDIATE DISCUSSION.