This Is Not A Journal

[Scorpius Malfoy]

I mean, honestly, do I look like the sort of person to keep a journal?

(And if you felt like answering 'yes' to that question, then I have a free tip for you: You're not funny, so stop trying.)

Anyway, whatever it is, it's clearly my property, so what are you doing reading it? In fact, it's cursed, so if you don't stop reading it now, you may well regret it.

Month started off pretty much as normal. Me and Rose still somehow friends, despite the broomstick incident. Me and Dominique still fighting. James Potter being a prat. Getting some action with Julie Peakes occasionally. Just the usual stuff.

Got off with Rowan Lascari in the Hog's Head, which wasn't quite 'usual' - never thought she had it in her. She's pretty hot now she's started making the most of herself. Thought she might be up for a repeat some time, but I haven't really seen her since.

Damien and Ella are both acting weird. Damien is infatuated with Aggy Bass, who he's now going out with - very bizarre, and I seriously hope he knows what he's doing. Ella is having mood swings and keeps wanting to talk about her love life, which is essentially non-existent thank Merlin, but I've realised it may not always be non-existent. Not sure what to think on that one - Damien just wants to smash anyone's face who comes near her, but then Damien is immature like that.

We all three had an argument (mainly due to Ella's aforementioned mood swings), which we made up, and then the two of them had another one, because Dao was being a prick and Ella was overreacting, and I somehow ended up telling them of for bickering. Sometimes I wish we could just talk the way we used to, but most of the time, I just think all younger siblings should be strangled at birth.

And if they were, Roxanne Weasley wouldn't exist, which might be a good thing or a bad thing. I can't decide. I don't even know what happened, but basically... she went and kissed Professor Powell, who is apparently not a pervert and shoved her away, making her all upset. And I was in a bad mood, and the room of requirement decided to fuck up, and there was firewhisky, and I said loads more than I should have done and we almost-but-not-quite had sex. Only she was in a state, and too drunk to know what she was doing, and it would have been her first time, so now I feel like a cock.

And I thought we'd sorted it out, but then her brother decided to get involved, we had a fight in the corridor, Rose also decided to involve herself, and now everything's more complicated than ever. And somehow, I've managed to promise to go with Roxie to see Professor Powell, which will be one hell of an awkward conversation.

So basically, it's all screwed up and I'm not sure what to do next, which is doing my head in.

Like I say, younger siblings just shouldn't exist - mine or anyone else's.

[Scorpius Malfoy]

This still isn't a journal. But sometimes you need to write things down to sort them out in your head, right?

And fuck knows my head needs sorting out.

So first of all, there's Roxanne. Who is the most confusing girl I've ever met. Or maybe it's just me being confused about her. Because I really like her. Fuck, I just wrote it down. Does that make it true? I don't even know why I like her because she's emotional and neurotic and confusing and everything about it's just wrong, including me. But then she's also beautiful and clever and sweet, and I never thought I'd like someone who was sweet, but when I'm with her, she makes me feel like I want to be a better person. And she listens and she doesn't make assumptions and she gets me like nobody else does. And when she kisses me, it'sjustaboutthehottetthingthat'severhappenedtome .

Fuck. I just read that back, and I'm so screwed.

Especially since I messed it all up by not realising it in time, so I snogged Julie, and Roxanne saw us, and then I shagged Julie, and Roxanne knows that. And Roxanne decided to play mind games with me by coming on to Seb (who naturally went along with it, the bastard) and I still don't know what she was really doing there. Was she trying to prove a point or make me angry or make me jealous or what? Whatever, it worked. But I couldn't show that it had worked, could I? I do have some pride. Okay, so I have a lot of pride. But anyway, I think she's given up on me, and I hate that it hurts this much.

That's Roxanne. Then there's Ella. I don't even want to write the thing she has, because then that'll be true as well (I can't spell it anyway). But she's ill - she doesn't eat, and when she does eat, she throws it up. Professor McGonagall told me I needed to do something to help her, but I don't know how to, but if I don't, then she could get really ill and maybe die (I read this article about it). And it would be partly my fault for not helping her. I really didn't mean all that stuff I wrote before about siblings being strangled at birth - if Ella died, I don't what I'd do. I've never been this scared for her.

Oh yeah, and then there's Julie. Because I told Julie that nothing had changed with us, only actually, everything's changed and I know if Roxanne's ever going to trust me again, I have to stop shagging Julie. And I have a feeling she's not going to take it that well, because she can't stand Roxanne.

Then there's Damien, who I think might have had an argument with Aggy, and I just know he's going to end up getting hurt again, the stupid fucking idiot. But he won't talk about it.

Oh, and Devyn Oberlin pretty much hates me. That might possibly be my fault.

And we have Lo Beckwith and Lucy Weasley coming to stay at Easter. My holidays are going to be so much fun. I would just go and live at Uncle Theo and Aunt Daphne's, except I don't want to see Seb's face right now.

That hasn't helped at all. My head is still screwed up. Maybe I'll just give up writing things down and have a drink instead. Or go and find Kale and smoke some more weed. That sounds quite good.

[Scorpius Malfoy]

Holy Fucking Shit. What have I got myself into?

I'm seeing Roxanne Weasley. A Weasley. The one family I swore I'd never get myself involved with. I think we're still seeing how it goes because she doesn't trust me (and maybe she's right not to). And I'm trying to be someone I never thought I could be, and the whole thing has me scared shitless, because first of all, what if I can't do it? And second, I'm now going to have her whole fucking crazy family out for my blood.

But I want to make it work. I've got something I never thought I'd have, and I don't want to lose it. I have to try and do this.

I have to tell Julie. Fuck.

I have to tell Dad too, but I can hopefully put that off a bit longer.

Mum knows about Ella - apparently the headmistress wrote to her, so McGonagall must have told her. I'm kind of glad, because now it isn't just me and Damien (who's being a little prick about it, even though I know he's only scared) trying to deal with it. But Mum being Mum, now she's freaking out and blaming herself, and that's not what Ella needs. Why does Mum have to take this and make it all about herself, and things she has or hasn't done? And why can't she talk properly to Ella about it instead of coming and worrying to me about it? Ella needs a family - a proper family that works and supports each other, and parents who are the strong ones.

Hell, I could do with that myself sometimes.

But I hope Mum'll get something sorted. She was talking about some sort of treatment centre for Ella. I don't want her to go off by herself to some awful hospital... but if it would help her, maybe it's best.

I think I might go and stay with Uncle Theo and Aunt Daphne after all (I can ignore Seb, and I'm not quite as annoyed with his as I was). Because hopefully, I can persuade Chloe to invite Roxanne to stay, as they're kind of friends. That way we can be in the same place without either of our parents having to realise what's going on.

This clearly is a journal. Crap. Better not let Sebastian anyone find it.

[Scorpius Malfoy]

This is the last will and testament of Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy.

I leave my firewhisky collection to my brother Damien, because he needs to learn to be less innocent.

I leave my broom to Damien too, because I can't think of anyone else to leave it to.

I leave my ipod to my sister Ella.

I leave my collection of porn magazines to my cousin, Chloe Nott.

I leave the book on Pureblood Families of the British Isles that my grandparents gave me last Christmas to my cousin, Sebastian Nott, along with the knowledge that I forgive him (and his diary back again).

I leave everything else to Roxanne Weasley, even though, if I'm actually dead, it's on her account.

Okay, so hopefully I'm not actually going to die. Roxanne says I'm probably not. But I'm a bit worried I might anyway.

I'm meeting her parents soon. She said she'd tell them tonight, and it's kind of late now, so they probably already know. In fact, her father's probably on his way here right now, ready to murder me.

Other than that, things with Roxanne are pretty fucking amazing, even though she doesn't want to have sex yet. Also pretty fucking scary, because I can't believe how into this I am already. If she wanted to, she could hurt me so fucking badly right now, and that's exactly what I always tried to avoid. But the scariest thing is that I don't even want to avoid it any more, because I'm happier than I've ever been... I saw her in Diagon Alley today, and met her cousin Victoire. It didn't go too badly, so that's one relief.

In other news:

Haven't seen anything of Damien and Ella, because they're off with Lo and Lucy. As far as I know, Mum hasn't had the big chat with Ella yet...

Stole Seb's diary. That was amusing for a while. Turns out he thinks about shagging blokes. Excellent blackmail material.

Got a letter from Dominique Weasley, which was a complete failure to apologise for telling her cousin I raped Roxanne. I don't know why she even bothered. I tried to be polite, because Roxie asked me to, but it's impossible. Dominique can fuck off.

This could turn out to be my last diary entry, because I've been murdered by some member of the Weasley family. If so, goodbye. Please burn this, whoever finds it first.

[Scorpius Malfoy]

I never write in this any more. I don't know why I'm even bothering now.

I told Roxanne I love her. The scary thing is, it's true. How did this happen? I don't even know. I never thought I'd fall in love, especially not this fast, and especially not with a Weasley.

She said it back. And she wrote this thing for me (did I mention that she's a writer?) and it was... kind of amazing. I'm keeping it tucked in this book actually. I'm crazy about her - I don't know what I'd do if I lost her, and we've only been going out two months. When I'm with her, everything seems okay. I want to be with her the whole time.

And I really want to have sex with her. That's not awful, is it? I mean, I love her and she's my girlfriend. It would be weird if I didn't want to have sex with her, right? But that's the other thing. She's said she will, as soon as she turns sixteen, in July. I'm finding that a bit weird to be honest - planning it in advance like that, I mean. I've never felt like I needed to plan it. And I can't help thinking that if she knows she wants to, what's wrong with now? That really is awful, I know. But I only think it a little bit. I haven't said it to her and I'm not going to. The right time is when she's ready, and if that's July, then that's July.

It's the summer holidays in July though, so I don't know how we're going to manage it. I don't like how contrived it's all going to have to be. I'm trying not to think about it in advance. It's kind of hard not to though.

Changing the subject...

Ella is at a treatment centre for her illness. I don't want her to be there; it feels all wrong. But she says she's eating more and putting on weight. I hope it's true. Her and Damien had some sort of stupid argument via owl, but I think they sorted it. Talking of Damien, he now has a vendetta with Thyestes, which is kind of amusing, because it's obvious who'll win this...

I met Roxanne's parents in the holidays (We're back to Roxanne again. The change of subject didn't last very long, did it?). I don't think they like me much. And I know her brother hates me, and so do most of her cousins. I don't want her to have to choose between me and her family, because I'm scared she'd choose them...

I wouldn't.

At least, if it was a choice between her and Damien or Ella, I don't know what I'd do. But my parents? They can go and screw themselves. Dad couldn't even bring himself to care enough to be angry that I'm seeing a Weasley. I don't think he even realises I might have feelings. I wish I could walk away, I really do. If it wasn't for Dao and Ella, I would. I don't give a toss about Mum and Dad any more. They've made it pretty clear they don't give a toss about me either.

I ought to be revising right now. Roxanne has her nose in her books all day, it seems like, and Seb lives in the library. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail my OWLs. I'm pretty sure I ought to care more than this.

[Scorpius Malfoy]

Fuck.

This never helped to sort my head out before, so I don't know why I think it would work now. I just ended up reading all the old stuff and making it worse.

Roxie broke up with me. I fucking hate my grandfather. I wish he'd die, and that's not even an exaggeration. I know how people become murderers. Because I wouldn't even feel guilty for killing him. I don't know how I can go home again, I don't think I can deal with seeing him.

I knew it was a bad idea. This is just what happens when you love someone, I knew it would happen. But I thought it would be me who screwed it up. It kind of was, because I shouldn't have told her. But I couldn't not tell her. I still didn't tell her everything. She thinks he was making me choose between her and them, but he never even gave me the choice. She thinks family's the most important thing in the world, she doesn't get it that I don't care about anything if I can't be with her. Isn't what we had important too?

I want her back. I know she doesn't want this either, and that kills me. But this is the best way, because I couldn't tell her what he really said. At least this way, she's safe and I don't have to tell her that my grandfather threatened to hurt her if I didn't break up with her. I don't think he really would. But I'm not sure.

So I just have to stay away from her. And from everyone. I just want them all to leave me alone.

I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. This is why I never wanted to fall in love.

I'm really drunk. At least this way, I eventually pass out.

I miss her so fucking much.