Roxanne's Diary: Don't Touch.

[Roxanne Weasley]

NOTE: Fred, James, Louis, or Hugo (Note, I didn't say Al, why...cause I actually trust him!)...if any of you are reading this just note: I will kill you. And enjoy the poison ivy rash you'll have in oh...about two point two seconds. I may be a Ravenclaw Weasley, but I'm still a Weasley. Don't touch things that aren't yours. Enjoy the hives.

Now, where was I?
______________________________________
Oh, yes:

Someone, please kill me!
Seriously.
Roxanne finally screwed up, and big time. Why me, why did I have to screw up. I'm suppose to be the composed one...I've been cryign non-stop for hours too...
Where to begin?

I've kissed my Professor. I kissed Professor Powell. Yes, I bloody fucking kissed him. WHY...I guess I enjoy being rejected...I knew that's what it'd come too. He basically called me a baby then ran (Literally) out of the room (Am I that repulsive?)...great for my self-esteem. But he was just...and then me...and...oh whatever.


I've snogged Scorpius---yes, SCORPIUS Malfoy and if I hadn't burst into bloody tears I would've had sex with him.

But, wait, before you judge!!!!!!! I was completely wasted. I barely remembered taking my shirt off, let alone his. Although, he does have a very nice body and really blue eyes...and he's pretty light on his feet. He's such a liar though; he----wait,

Where was I going with this again?

Oh that's right, to hell...Ugh.

At least Rowan isn't mad at me anymore. Or at least I don't think she is. See, she kind of snogged Scorpius first, and I was a tad bit of a hypocrite when it came to her doing so. Scorpius is a slut, plain and simple; so we kind of fought about that. But this stupid castle! I blame the castle and the firewhisky---I really need to stop rambling. I sound like a mad woman; this is what I get whilst writing while hungover. Nothing makes sense.

We spent the night together (Scorpius and I; not Rowan. I think I learned my lesson with Agg-a-licious about pretending to swing that way...) And aside from the tears, and what I can't remember, he's actually a really decent person. He's a fucking git for not wanting to be though. He thinks he can cover up his true feelings with these pissed off moods and an I don't give a fuck attitude, but honestly who is he really fooling---and I'm doing it again. Damn it.

Breathe, Roxie. Breathe.

Dominique, and Chloe! Ahaaaa, that's where I can start from. I love both of them dearly. Chloe is like an extension of my family and Dom is family, but if one of them says something about me sleeping with anyone again without a confrimation---I'm hiding bodies. Dominique ran out of HoM and straight to Fred, telling him basically that Scorpius forced himself on me. NOT TRUE....Granted, I did run out first, but things were so awkward because like I said, I was wasted and I had no clue what I'd done; so sitting next to Scorpius was just...odd. But I didn't run and tell Fred, my wayyyyy too overprotective brother, no that honour went to my Lovely Dom....the girl picks the one time to pay attention....and I get a sprain wrist out of it, Fred a broken nose, and Scorp a broken rib...thank you Dom. I know you meant well, and I love you, but...


Professor Marsdon did help a lot these past few weeks, but I have an odd feeling it's going to come back and bite me. I'm still not completely sure if she likes me, just tolerates me. Besides, I'm a hundred percent sure she figured out who my mysterious older man was. Merlin, please or just let her drop it. Although, I doubt she will...

I'm fucked--

I'm writing with my left hand(feels so weird) and I'm still hungover. I'm going to ask Cam for another hangover potion; I wouldn't know what to do without him or Rowan sometimes.

Pray for me.

[Roxanne Weasley]

Here we go again:

Why does it seem like I'm always the one that actually finds trouble?
Honestly, if only I would've been sorted into Gyffindor this castle would barely on it's last leg. Where to even begin this time?

How about here:

I hate myself

Why, you ask?
Because I fucking like him, that's why. Stupid fucking Scorpius. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck...
(I sound like Lucy...)

I finally get things situated (as far as I'm concerned) with Professor Powell, and here come fucking Scorpius Malfoy--Mr.Blue Eyes, great smile, wonderful lips...

And I can't control myself. His personality isn't even appealing; he's a fucking arse. I don't understand why I like him; why every time we seem to be in the same space, I want to kiss him. I wonder if Dad still has that info for that nunnery...

It's all bad. All of it. I need to get him out of my head, but I can't. I worry about him. More than I worry about myself. I think his sister is sick, some type of eating disorder; and he actually let me in to help him. I can see it in his face; he's scared for her. I fear he might beat himself up for it if she is sick.

But, I'm so fucking confused. I don't know what to do. I even went to Victorie for help. She's the always wonderful Vic; I bet she's never had to feel the sting of rejection over and over again like I have. Yes, Teddy broke her heart, but he had problems and it's not like he doesn't love her still. It's not like he isn't IN love with her still. So it's easy for her to tell me to put my already fragile heart on the line...I can't do it, though. I don't want be broken...

Cause that's all he's going to do...

I have to tell him that we can't snog anymore. I'm not Julie, no matter what my body keeps telling me to do. I have to listen to my head.
My head knows I'm only worth a good snog; I'm destined to be heartbroken for all of eternity. I'm not worth it...so I just need to stop lying to myself.

I'm taking his cloak back to him (from out impromptu full on snogging session yesterday) and giving him the article I found on witches and eating disorders when I went into town. Hopefully that will help him with sister; and I'm never going anywhere near him again.

[Roxanne Weasley]

I hate Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy.

I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

No. I don't; that's why this hurts so much...

I. HATE. MYSELF.

[Roxanne Weasley]

I finally told Scorpius how I felt today. I didn't want for an answer, I doubt he had one anyway. I just kind of ran. I've been doing that a lot lately. I just need to center myself. I'll stop crying soon, and then I'll feel better (I think, I hope...) and then...well, I don't know what's next.

Mum owl'd me too. She's disappointed that I haven't wrote. What would I tell her though? I can't tell her about Scorpius. She won't understand and Dad doesn't like the Malfoys. I doubt Mum would side against me if it ever came down to it--

What am I saying?

I'm done being tossed around by Scorpius Malfoy. I should've been done after getting into a fight with Julie. I don't care how much I like him...I shouldn't have even thought about trying to make him jealous; it was unfair to Seb, who's pretty kind when he wants to be.

Matter of fact, I'm setting myself some guidelines when it comes to Scorpius Malfoy:

1.Iwon'twritetScorpiusIwon'twriteScorpius. I have to call him Malfoy from now on. Calling him Scorpius just means I'm okay with being friends with him. I can't be friends with him. I don't want to be his friend. Well, yes, I do, but I want to be more than---STOP!

2. I'm going to stay away from him. Ignore him in classes, in the corridor, the great hall, everything...I know it will be hard since we have a way of running into one another, but fate can't keep dealing me a bad hand, can it?

3. All of that clothes I bought the other day is going back. I'm not short skirt, tight shirt Roxanne. I don't like wearing things i'm not comfortable in, nor the cat calls I get from wearing them.

4. I won't cry. Even though I'm crying now. I'll stop soon. Promise.

5. I have to tell Mum about everything, even Professor Powell during Easter. I can't keep avoiding the truth with her. Hopefully she won't tell Dad.

Hopefully, I can stick to this list. I just want to be whole again.

[Roxanne Weasley]

Scorpius apologized--more than once. (Damn you Rose, why did you have to help? I love you for it, though. Not that I didn't love you in the first place, but...thank you for putting your nose in it).

We're together now.

We're together now.

We're together now.

I've never been happier. I'm, he's just amazing. I've fallen for him completely.

Now, just to tell the Weasley and Potters...

Did I tell you, diary:

I'M SCORPIUS' GIRLFRIEND

[Roxanne Weasley]

I'm scared shitless, diary - or journal, oh whatever. I'm scared; more afraid than I've ever been in my entire life.

Scorpius told me that he loved me.
I'm at a lost for words. We've been seeing each for about two months now. . .
(We've been messing with each others' heads for about five. . .)

I think that I love him too. He's all I think about sometimes.
I'm so afraid.

I finally know what I want from him for my birthday, now. . .
Am I a fool, diary?

[Roxanne Weasley]

Diary,

How can I go from feeling so loved and appreciated one moment, to feeling lower than dirt the next?

I passed all of my OWLs with O's except for transfiguration. Scorpius and I also discussed a lot the other night, too. I wrote him the mushy gushy throw up of feelings (aren't my words ever so delicate) and he responded with a declaration of love. He told me he loved me, that he was in love with me. I think that the world was pulled out from under my feet. I love him too, and that scares me, but when I'm with him, it's just us.

There is no outside world. I've never felt more complete and put together than when he holds me tight. I can't describe it, and I know I'm only fifteen, but I'm in love. Is that wrong?

To me it isn't, but apparently to George Weasley it is. I think my father is loosing his mind. He hates me, I know he does - and I don't know what I did. He's overreacting, and every time I try to apologise, he just turns the knife in my chest. I don't know what I did, but it hurts, it hurts a lot to know that your own father can't stomach the sight of you- or even your handwriting.

I think Mum's mad at me too. I wrote her to tell her how OWLs went, and she's yet to respond. What did I do? What did I do to anyone.

I'm going to go cry again. I'll write more later, I suppose.

Oh, and according to dad, I'm not a Weasley anymore. . . I'm a traitor, so I'm just calling myself Roxanne now a days.