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[Chara Malfoy]

'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
AND I KNOW THAT YOU'LL USE THEM HOWEVER YOU WANT TO
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Right. Well... talk about an interesting school year thus far. It's been colorful, to say the least.

Firstly, I'd just like to say (brag) that I totally kicked Alice fucking Longbottom's arse. Physically, I mean, not academically (not that I'm not doing that either - big surprise, right?) She annoyed the hell out of me one day and so I confronted her after class... and we both just lost it. Sadly, we both ended up with concussions, but I'm willing to have a rematch - thank goodness for Scorpius and Damien teaching me something.

Oh, my language has gotten a bit worse. Lucy is finally rubbing off on me - I cuss far too much now, but I like it. Sometimes people wince when I cuss. I like to make them uncomfortable.

What else? Oh! I dyed my hair. Well, Lucy dyed it for me - it's sort of funky. I have a mixture of brown and blonde for my base hair and then Lucy gave me some pink and green strips. I like it - I haven't shown my brothers yet. Why? Because Damien is off worshiping the ground Aggy Bass walks on (they're going out) and Scorpius is... sulking. I don't like the way either of those situations are going.

Hmm...

Something big happened. I don't like to talk about it, but I have to face it now. Because a professor found out. And it's not like I could deny it. When she let me go after confronting me, I stole some vodka from Scorpius. I got... tipsy, I think. With Lucy. And then I stupidly told her, too. Because I'm a fucking moron. But enough about that.

Lucy had her first kiss. And I'm jealous. I mean, yeah, it was Harry Dursley (ick!), but still... she's not making a big deal out of it. I dunno; I think first kisses are a big deal. Maybe he was a bad kisser, all wet and gross-like. Still, I can't help but be jealous. All of my crushes are, of course, older. So it's not like I could kiss any of them. But, then, with this whole kissing thing, Lucy said she feels bad. 'Cause apparently Dursley is madly in love with her... and she broke his heart by not liking him back, but letting him kiss her. I still hate him because he said nasty things about Lucy that aren't true. He says he didn't mean them, but... once you say something, it's out there. There's no going back. You thought the words, so it doesn't make a difference - you obviously believe they're true.

I think that's it so far. Just since the Christmas holidays. Pretty intense, right? Right.

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

I'm so confused right now.

My stomach is in knots and I feel sick to my stomach.

Scorpius had the nerve to accuse me of being too thin and then continued to ask me if everything was alright. Since when does he fucking care about me?! He's always too busy snogging some ugly girl or shagging them in a broom closet to give me any time of day. Now suddenly he decides to play Big Brother and I hate him for it. I hate that I only seem to ever matter to him when there's some sort of drama. I hate that he's now convinced I'm hiding something from him. I hate the disappointment that was on his face. But, most of all, I hate that I'm the cause of it. And I hate myself for walking away from him.

I never wanted to the person to cause my brother more pain. I've been striving for so long to make things good for him - for Damien, too. I never meant to be this stupid, selfish little girl living in a fairytale land. But I can't make it stop and I hate myself. I've lost so much control over everything recently - I'm even skipping lessons (well, just Divination.) Sometimes I wish I'd starve myself to death - because then my brothers wouldn't have to worry and maybe it could finally force my parents to be happy again, if they have one less unwanted child to worry about.

I know I'm being dramatic. But I don't know how else to be. I can't be myself anymore. I don't know how. I don't even know who I am.

Even finding out that Albus fancies me back doesn't make things better. It makes them worse. Because I know I can never go out with him. Scorpius would have a conniption, Damien would hate him and my parents would hate me.

I just want to be happy. But it's getting so hard. Every day I get more tired of this facade and I wonder how soon it'll be until everything falls to pieces and I crumble.

Even running and dancing aren't making me happy. I keep messing up my dances, anyway, so maybe I should just stop. With the way things are going, pretty soon I won't have running either.

I'm just be another zombie, sitting idly while life passes me by. But I'll be in a hospital for "sick" girls, with a tube that feeds me.

I hate Professor McGonagall. She caused all of this.

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

I told Scorpius about... it.

Damien walked in.

I told Damien.

I don't know what to feel.

I'm exhausted.

And I still haven't been to Divination. But, Professor McGonagall owled Mum and Mum owled me. I think I'm going to be in trouble when I get home.

Oh well.

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

Everyone always talks about happy endings. But I don't think I'll ever get one.

I've never felt this way before. I've never had these thoughts before. Everything is out of my control now - even these feelings! They're not mine; they can't be. They have to belong to someone else.

I never asked for this life. I never asked for this fucking family. I want to know where I went wrong, where I screwed up so badly, to deserve something like this. No one should feel like this, no one should have to live with a family like this - not even Voldemort. Now I understand why he went on a killing spree. Sometimes I wish I'd been locked in the cellar my entire life and was retarded, so I couldn't comprehend the magnitude of this fucked-up-ness. Or that I had absolutely no contact with the outside world, so I would be under the assumption that my family dynamics were completely sane and normal.

I observe others connect with one another and I wonder what's holding me back, why I can't do that. I try; I put myself out there, I put my heart on the line, and it always blows up in my face. I even think I'm losing Lucy. Why? And why is Al ignoring me? I'm hurting - he hurt me so much it's unbearable. I see others (or hear about them) and I want to know how they do it.

And if I can't connect with outsiders, how can I connect with those in my family? It's almost too painful to write because it fucking kills to think... to acknowledge... Damien walked out on me. After he walked in on Scorp and me, and demanded to know what was going on. He was informed and then walked. out. (Okay, so maybe that sounded like Scorpius and I were having sex doing something we shouldn't have been doing... but I assure you that's not that case. And who is 'you'? No one is reading this.) Either way, I feel so... defeated. You'd think telling a secret this big would be a relief - it's not. I want to take it back. I want to go on pretending again - everything was easier and virtually pain-free.

I want my brother back.

So, I ask again: what did I do that was so horrible? Was it the time I flushed Mum's wedding band down the toilet? (Not that it really matters now - nor did it then; but I didn't know, at two, what it "symbolized".) Or was it the time I dropped a glass of juice on Aunt Daphne's brand new, imported rugs? Or perhaps the time I took a fistful of Scorpius' birthday cake on his 5th birthday? Maybe it was the time I secretly gave away Daddy's watch because I'd lost a bet.

No! I've got it. It has to be the time I dumped a jar of spiders on Alice Longbottom's head.

But even that isn't as horrible as living with this family. Ihatemylife. Iwanttodie. Because that would be my happy ending.

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

I haven't written in here since a while ago. Mainly because I haven't had the time, but I'll have a lot more time now. In fact, there's a strong possibility that I'll write in it everyday. Where shall I start?

Harry Dursley owled me. He stole my brother's mail to find out where I lived. He wanted to know why (after he called me a dyke) I wasn't in school. I can't believe he thought I'd tell him the truth! So I told him I was having a baby. Somehow, it turned into him being the father. Which would never happen in a million years because I'd never shag him. Nor he me, which is made clear by pointing out how thin I was and basically calling me ugly. I called him a mudblood and he never responded. I'm glad.

I owled Damien to tell him that I was leaving for the treatment centre. Then I got an owl from Scorp because he found out I owled Damien and not him. I really hope he's not mad; that would be awful.

In other news, I'm here at the treatment centre. I'm writing in this journal, in my drab room with my weird roommate, at the centre. I... sort of freaked out when Mum had to leave. I was screaming and crying for her, trying to cling to her like a small child. The male Healers had to pull me away from her. I'm sure I looked like a real crazy. I know I embarrassed Mum, but I just didn't want to be alone.

I didn't eat dinner; they let me get away with it. My roommate asked why I was here, but I didn't tell her. So she rambled off why all of the other nineteen girls were here. There's only one other girl here for the same reason I am. But she might be leaving soon. Also, I'm the youngest one. The next youngest girl is eighteen. What the hell?

There's really stupid rules here. Like... you can send owls whenever you want, but if you don't try to get better, then that "privilege" gets taken away. Same goes for visitors. And new girls can't have visitors until one month after they've been here - but only if they've made improvement. I really want to see my family. I even miss my mum and dad. I miss my friends.

It's lights out in fifteen minutes. I should go.

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

So... I've really grown to hate it here. My roommate is the most unstable person I've ever met. She tried to kill me the other night, so now she's in a quiet, padded room all by herself. I feel bad, actually. I'm not sure what's wrong with her, but she should really be at a mental institution, not a treatment centre.

I've got a new roommate now. She's new. She's fifteen and from Italy (I guess this place is world-renowned in the wizarding world.) Her name is Philomena. Claire was released (she's the girl that has eating disorders, too.) I actually miss her a lot more than I thought I would. She promised to write me, though, and said that I can visit her when I'm in France.

I guess I just feel really sad here. My Healer says that I've always been sad, but I hide it well and have a lot of defense mechanisms. I think she doesn't know what she's talking about because I've never felt this kind of sad before.

I miss my brothers more than anything I've ever missed before. I miss them so much that sometimes I cry when I think about them. My Healer wanted me to talk about it, but I don't understand what she means. Does there have to be a reason I miss them? Can't I just miss them because they're my brothers? Damien's mad at me, anyway, so I guess I cry for nothing.

I miss Chloe and Seb a lot, too. Chloe's letters make me laugh, though. I can hear her voice when she writes something or I can imagine her giving me a certain look. Seb actually wrote me! It was great. He pisses and moans in his letters, but it's just so much fun to tease him. I enjoy teasing him as much as he enjoys teasing Scorp.

My parents haven't written me and I haven't written them. I don't expect my dad to write me, but I thought my mum might be sending me letters up the arse. I guess not, though. I try not to care, but it really bothers me. I don't know why; Scorpius says that they can go fuck themselves. I wish I could be like that. I know I play it off like I hate my parents or whatever, but I really don't. For some reason, I really miss my dad. I'm not brave enough to owl him, though.

I'm starting to gain weight. It doesn't look it, but I can feel it. My clothes are starting to fit tighter. It scares me. But I try to remind myself to just gain the weight, do whatever they ask and once I'm out, I'm free to do whatever I want. I can run again, I can make myself throw up... I won't have these people lurking around me.

My birthday is tomorrow. Fanfuckingtastic.

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

Nothing much to say in here like I thought there would be. Just a few things...

1) I garden now. Kind of. It's required for my 'therapy'. I will not continue it when I leave.

2) Roxanne bought me some make-up, so I owled her to thank you. I kind of... told her a lot of personal things that I wish I could take back.

3) I still miss my brothers like crazy. When they come to visit, I want to transfiguration into a flea and go back to school with them.

4) Yes, I can finally have visitors! Well, after June 9th. Scorp and Dao are coming to see me!!! Chloe and Seb might as well.

5) I miss my best friend like you wouldn't believe. I wonder if she can visit me, too, or if only family is allowed to. When I get out, Scorp said we would do something - Lucy is definitely tagging along.

6) My weight as of today: 6.4 stone.

7) Scorpius bought me a new owl for my birthday. I might call him Zen, because he's just so chill.

8) I miss Marko, too. We were going to sneak alcohol at galas this summer and maybe pull a few pranks. I guess that won't be happening.

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

I've been writing Lucy. Apparently, she had some bizarre encounter with Dursley and now he's 'an alright guy'. It makes me feel a bit slighted, actually, but I doubt they'll become really good friends. (I hope not.)

I guess they both have 'fucked up families'. Yeah, well, who doesn't?

I have one brother who I honestly think is a borderline alcoholic. My other brother has more feelings than I do and just wants to be loved, so he falls hard for any girl he fancies. My mother's emotional range is somewhere between Ice Princess and Bitch (so... -0 and 0.) My father gives me anything I want so he won't have to deal with me; and the only time he does deal with me is when I'm getting hollered at for some reason or another, but he's really mad at my mum. My grandmother pays more attention to Damien because he gets 'ignored' by our parents. (I'm a terrible person for writing that because she's the only adult that's supported me while I've been here and she does a lot for me.) My grandfather hasn't looked at me since he found out I started wearing bras (maybe I should tell him that I actually don't need them anymore); and, besides, he's too busy trying to make Scorpius into someone that my father couldn't be. And me? Well, I'm here, so what does that tell you?

The only difference is that I don't go around moping about my family or talking about our issues. So Dursley's parents are getting divorced. I'd kill for my parents to get divorced... 'cause it'd mean that they do feel, that they do see what they're doing wrong and that they're looking past their own problems in order to alleviate some of the problems of their children.

But it'd never happen.

Back to Lucy and Dursley... I do feel awful for Luce. She's a great person and her parents ignore her/scold her because she's different from the rest of them. Well I say good for her! Just because she's different doesn't mean she's a bad person. Yeah, she's got a mouth, but did her parents ever stop to think that maybe that's because she wants them to pay attention to her, to really see her for her? Probably not, because I've decided that parents are fucking stupid. Sometimes I want to tell Luce that I can relate to her, but what's the sense in that? She's so mean to hide her feelings... when she is emotional, who am I to take that away from her? She needs support and I'll support her (even if I do get fed up sometimes. But then I can just write my feelings out in this thing.) She's my best friend.

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

My dad wrote me.

My dad wrote me first. As in, he wrote me before I wrote him.

I'm really excited about that! But I'd never tell Scorp or Dao that.

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

I feel... disconnected, from Damien. He's still my brother and I still love him, but I don't feel like our relationship is the same anymore.

Not since I told him everything....

In his letters, he seems angrier than before. And I get a sense that he doesn't really care... about me, that is.

I don't know. I want to go back to how things were before.

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

I think there's something wrong with me. Aside from the obvious.

Gemma kissed Marko. I feel kind of... weird about it. Like, weird as in I might fancy Marko. But that's not what this is about.

Gemma kissed Marko. Lucy kissed Harry. I bet Jenny has kissed someone, too - probably Hugo because she felt bad for flirting with him or something. I don't know. And I bet other girls in my year have been kissed or kissed someone, too. But let's see how many boys I've kissed...

Oh, wait, what was that?

NONE. Let's see how many different ways I can say none: Zero, zilch, nada, aucun, keiner, null, zéro, nil.

I seriously think there's something else wrong with me. I'm not lovely like Professor McGonagall said. I'm a giant like Lucy said. I'm ugly, not pretty. I'm fat, not skinny (or anorexic.) Everything guys hate in a girl, that's what I am. I mean, who else hasn't been kissed by the time they're 14? Only the freaks and, look, I'm part of their group now! I'm a fucking groupie. Even my grandmother was kissed by the time she was 'around my age', she said.

What's wrong with me? Even Al wouldn't kiss me, despite the fact he said he 'fancied me'. Which was and is a bunch of bullshit. I don't know what I ever saw in him.

And to top it all off, Damien has apparently decided that I'm not worth his time anymore. I don't know what I did to him. If he's still mad because I called him 14 (oh, I'm sorry I'm locked in a fucking prison against my will, trying to figure things out), then that's just stupid. I wish he'd just tell me instead of write me rushed and forced owls. It'd hurt a lot less.

I want things to be normal again. When they were, my brothers didn't turn their his backs on me. And how did this become about Damien, anyway?

Gemma kissed Marko.

Well... Fuck.

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

Damien finally wrote me. I'm so relieved. He left home, but he's okay - so he says. I'm just glad he's talking to me.

Except, I'm kind of irked.... I feel like he blames me for our family's fucked-up-ness. Especially the issues we're currently having. I don't even know what they are, really - just that Dad is pissed off at Scorpius (is that new? I don't know) and, according to Damien, Scorpius is acting all 'righteous' and shit. Which I really can't imagine - it doesn't sound like Scorp at all. But I didn't want to piss off Damien by not believing him. I don't want him to ignore me again.

I'm really happy he [Damien] trusted me with the information of his whereabouts. He doesn't want anyone else to know, so I won't say anything.

It's good to know that he doesn't hate me. That would have been devastating. (Even if he does blame all the problems on me.)

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

Seb gave me cigarettes and firewhisky. He's not so bad.

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

I don't think my grandfather envisioned me buying cigarettes and alcohol with the galleons he sent me.

Oh well. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

ELLA

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[Chara Malfoy]

I think Harry and I might be friends acquaintances? Something. It's weird, actually. We had a chat about the stuff he said last year... and apparently we both are fans of Shakespeare. Never thought that would happen....

And Scorp broke up with Roxanne. Well, I'm not sure it was him, but they broke up. My grandfather had something to do with it. I don't know what to do. The only adult that's been remotely paying attention to me is him. We kind of have this really weird relationship where we don't judge one another... but now I'm not sure I can trust him. He hurt my brother. That doesn't happen without consequences.

ELLA

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