-insert inappropriate pun here-

[ladymoth5]

I'm less saying this because I'll be away and more saying it because I need to tell you guys because you're all my family and my therapy.

My dad called the police because of a little... heavily worded... suicide note... thing. I never said the word suicide but I can't say he's over reacting because... yeah. My recent crying fits are obviously nothing to do with Jojo.

Anyway the hospital could keep me over night if they thought I was at real risk of killing myself, which I'm not. So I'll probably see you guys later. And I love you.

[Roxanne Weasley]

Merlin, Moth! I'm not even sure what to say, if you need to take some time, love, take some times. Please just think rationally.

[Jethro Hunter]

Moth, we love you. I really hope you're okay. Keep in touch and update us when you're able to, love. And whatever you do, know that there are people who care about you - us, your parents, the people in the hospital who are there to help you, among others. PM me whenever if you need to.

[Lachlan Creevey]

I really hope you're alright, Moth! Like Riss and Becca said, we're all here for you if you ever need anyone to rant/talk to, and we'll no doubt understand if you have to take some time away from the site to sort things out!

[Grace Longbottom]

Moth, remember that we all love you please and just know that you ever want to talk to me, or PM me about any problems then just go right ahead! Like everybody else has said, we'll understand if you need some time off and I hope you're alright, okay? Love you! xx

[ladymoth]

Update, The things that happened, the people I met, the way I feel
Let's get to the last one first

The way I feel: I do't think I can say this enough times but I am not a suicide risk. I am majorly clinically depressed. A lot of you have already guessed that, some of you I told, Hanna was the one that made me go to the doctors to get treated in the first place (though she did it inadvertently.) My medication stopped working around September and no new meds have worked since then. I felt this way for a while but only today I decided tell my parents via note. The note basically said that I don't like being alive. It should be noted that while I don't like being alive I don't want to end my life, I just want it to be better. All the same my dad called the cops. This leads me nicely too...

Things that happened: Three cops came to my house. I sat on the stares watching my dad talking to them.
Mom: Do you really want to sit on the stares?
Me: Do you think I should lean against the wall with my pipe and smoking jacket or something?
The police proceeded to ask me questions and then look through the purse I wanted to take. The officer took my altoid box out of my purse
Officer: Mints?
Me: Cyanide pills
Officer: t_t
Me: Mints.
Then they told me I couldn't take half of it and walked me outside. At this point there were a group of neighbors watching... Then they gave me a pat down and handcuffed me and put me in the back of the police car.

On the way to the hospital.
Me: So you have a police dog?
Officer: What?
Me: There's like smears on the glass like a dog's been pressing his nose up against it
Officer: Oh, the last guy in here kept spitting on that.
I noticed there were also kissing marks on the glass as well.

Once at the hospital I had to sit hand cuffed in a room while the police man signed papers and this woman in the room next door screamed
Woman: I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! YOU FUCKING CUNTS! YOU FUCKING CUNTS! YOU FUCKING CUNTS! YOU FUCKING CUNTS! YOU FUCKING CUNTS! YOU FUCKING CUNTS! YOU FUCKING CUNTS! YOU FUCKING CUNTS! GO SUCK A DICK! YOU WHORE! YOU FUCKING CUNTS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS! I NEED PAIN PILLS!

There was a small window when the woman was silent and I asked the officer if he really thought I needed to be here, and he said a polite 'No, your wasting everyone's time.' After which point the nurse opened the door a crack and asked me if I promised to be safe, what ever the fuck that meant. I said yes because the hand cuffs hurt and the police officer took them off and I walked into a large room stolen from the set of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. The people in the room were all staring at me, they were all men over thirty, and they all looked extremely rapey. The nurses proceeded to ask me questions about why I was here, medical information etc. Then they took my remaining belongings, my shoes, and my belt. My nurse led me over to the place where all the rapey men were sitting and told me this is where I had to sit. I sat as far away from the man with the brain surgery scar and the turban made out of a shirt with a wizard on it as I possibly could.

Then they took me to see my (clearly-had-been-crying) dad who asked me if I wanted anything from home and I said no because my doctor had already promised me a pencil and drawing paper.

It was two hours before I was given a pencil and drawing paper. I wasn't allowed anything to write on so I used a nat geo mag and my knee and the pencil she gave me was an inch long. My parents called and asked me if I wanted anything and I said some pencils and my book on fantasy monsters. They never came.

Not long after that Keith, this guy that was seven feet tall and three feet wide, came up to me and introduced himself. He asked me if the nat geo and the paper was his (he had also asked me if the phone was his while I was talking to my rents.) I said they weren't but he could see them and gave him the drawing I was doing and the nat geo and he flipped through it and said "No, no, this isn't the bible In the beginning god created the heaven and the earth... this is crap..." Then he walked away with my drawing and my nat geo and I was left drawing on my knee.

Keith came back a few hours later and asked me if I wanted to hang out, I said no, he stood there for a while quoting the bible then wandered off to the tv again (there was a tv in a glass box that never stopped playing judge judy. So there was judge judy back ground noise on top of the man muttering to himself and the woman who wanted pain meds.) Keith sat down next to this boy who had been staring at me the whole time
Staring boy: Does she wanna hang out?
Keith: No she's doing her own thing

There after a man, later identified as michael, walks up to me
Michael: What are you in for
Me: Depression, you?
Michael: I punched my mother in the mouth

So after a while staring boy comes over to me and introduces himself as Marko, and that he also draws, and asks "what are you in for" which in this room I learned was the going conversation starter. I told him suicide risk and he said ME TOO! all excited like. Apparently it was his third day there and his sixth suicide attempt and that you should never accept the tranquilizers they give you as sleep aids because the two people he knew who took them, the first was a man who wandered out of his bed stark naked and peed on the wall and the other was a girl who kept checking the doors and calling him uncle Marshal. Also he had a conversation deep conversation with a guy who suddenly started screaming like he was on fire. Then calmed down and introduced himself all over again.

I was starting to get the impression that most of these people might have been less insane before they were admitted into the holding tank. I was getting pretty sick of Marco at this point so I tried to fall asleep and the nurse told me there were beds and have me a blanket that was pretty much made of burlap and lead me to a room full of beds (Read: dentist chairs.) I wasn't trying to fall asleep for long before a psychologist finally came to get me.

The psychologist said he lost my note (which was the whole fucking reason I was in here for the last six hours omg I hate the system) and that I was depressed, no shit, but not suicidal, no shit, and that I should read this book called "feeling good" and see a therapist, no shit. Then he told me I could leave and that my parents had been sitting in the waiting room for AN HOUR AND A HALF, and had been trying get me out so they could have a ten minute visitation.

The people I met:

The third police officer who came to my house not because he was needed but because he "Felt like stretching his legs."

The woman in the other room who needed pain pills never stopped shouting the entire time I was there

The people with brain surgery scars who were the nicest most normal people in the room

Keith who stole my things, I saw him holding a bible later and that made me happy for him

Marko who started flirting with me, like we were made for each other because we were both suicide risks

Michael who told the following story, which I will summarize for you now:
My gay brothers have been having with each other for ages but lately I noticed my brothers have been taking my mom into her room for like an hour every day, and I heard like, noises in there and stuff if you know what I mean. So today I opened the door and yeah, they were going at it so I socked my mom in the mouth
To which the man with the brain surgery scar and the wizard t-shirt turban remarked: That guy is crazy (I swear to god, this made my crack up)

The woman I tried to sleep next to who was sleep talking. She was more yelling in her sleep. It was all rapid fire Spanish (I wish it was English,) ever so often I would catch names and english words like "FUCK" and "BARACK OBAMA" and ever so often she would start bursting into hysterical laughter, which was contagious.

The nurse who helped me sign my exit forms who said "I know you're not familiar with out system yet"

The nurse who said "happy valentines day" as I left



So yeah, that was my day. I laughed at a lot of the shit that happened because it was all so surreal I didn't really get that it was happening to me. It was interesting. I'm not fine now but my parents know that I'm depressed and need help so now we're going through it together.

[ladymoth]

Thanks for the show of support guys! I love you all ♥

[Valerie d'Eath]

Awwww... I do hope you get better soon! Take all the time you need! We'll be right here with open arms when you get back! <3

[ladymoth]

I don't plan on leaving you guys. But if I act like a bitch then go easy on me

[Isabella O'Malley]

Omg, Moth, that sounds horrible! And it shows you just fucked healthcare in America is. Seriously. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you get to see a therapist and find some meds that work. (Just warning you: do NOT let them give you lithium. I have this feeling that they might try to.)

We're all hear for you and want you to feel better soon. <3

[ladymoth]

I love ya Hanna... what happens on lithium?

[Saoirse Flynn]

Why do they send you to prison for not being very well?

xxxxxxxxx

[Karina Bass]

Moth, you just remember we love you okay? And I'm always around if you need to talk to me. I love you so much! <3

[ladymoth]

Feb 15, 2012 8:20:42 GMT -5 Saoirse Flynn said:

Why do they send you to prison for not being very well?

xxxxxxxxx

Lol, it was a hospital... or a jail disguised as a hospital because that's actually more what it felt like.
(Also in america at least, prison=place your sent to after being convicted jail=holding room in police station)
Thanks for the lovin' ♥♥♥♥♥

---

Brooke:

[Caspian Fleming]

Feb 15, 2012 7:55:50 GMT -5 @ladymoth said:

what happens on lithium?

Erm. You basically become a zombie. Like, you can barely function. Can't even tie your shoes 'cause you're so dead, but you're alive. It's... I wish it wasn't legal to give patients lithium, but in some cases, it does work.